His fingertips tip toed down my back and it sent a shiver straight to the core of me. He grabbed my hands and held them tight down by my sides as he did nothing more than star at me. It made me extremely uncomfortable and as the tension rose I could feel my heart begin to beat so loud I could swear he could hear it. His hands barely touching me came up through my hair as he grabbed it and pulled my head back. I think my body was already heaving and my chest pounding as his lips gently brushed down my cheek, down my neck and rested between my breasts. We were standing in my living room and I had to remind myself over and over again to relax. I was not going to tense up, I wasn’t going to make some cute sarcastic remark and let him on to my sophomoric attitude towards sex. I was going to shut up. I was trying desperately not to let him see me shake but the quiver of my hands was a dead giveaway. “Just do it already” I thought. But I didn’t want to miss a thing. I tried to stay present and not lose myself in my own head. As I was talking to myself I felt his hands touch my bare skin and make their way up my back to my bra. All I could think was “My boobs are so small don’t bother!!” But before he could read the look on my face, I felt it unsnap and one strap fall down gently against my arm. Before I knew it he was leading me upstairs to my bedroom. The bedroom I’ve laid in night after night alone for years. The bedroom where I slept with my kids on the occasion I didn’t trust them or they had a nightmare or we were just doing a sleepover in my room. As we approached the doorway he stopped, turned back to look at me and even though I was praying he’d come to his senses and not want to take me in that room, I was also hoping he wouldn’t stop. He didn’t. It was as if we glided into the room and made our way to my bed without touching the floor. He pushed me up onto the bed and laid me back with ease. I could feel my eyes roll back in my head as he climbed on top of me. Fully clothed he caressed my hair, stared in my eyes and I wanted to scream. I didn’t want this to be some gentle, romantic interlude. I wanted the hard passion I had so desired. What was he doing? Oh no….I knew what he was doing….he was going to fall in love with me. Jesus Christmas! Don’t do it! It’s not worth it! Just rip off my clothes and take me for crying out loud. They all fall in love with me. I’m not saying that to be arrogant, I’m saying it cause it’s true. The thing is….I love them too, I really do. I feel emotion at an octane level of SUPER and yet, something is always missing. The ease, the comfort, the stability, the security, the belief that it will last. This is not due to them, but more to me. I have never been in the position of feeling like I have everything I ever wanted. That I was comfortable enough with myself to say you are getting the absolute best me there is and you deserve it and I deserve you and we will be happy. Not to say there won’t be hard times, or things to get through, but we will make a concerted effort to be in love, stay in love and when we fall out of love at times, we will still figure it out. But right now, at this very moment, I did not want any of that with dreads. I wanted raw, untamable animal attraction to take over us and envelop us in a way I had never experienced. He laid on me a while, or at least long enough before he saw me look away. He pulled my chin back towards him and asked “Are you ok?” of course I’m ok was flashing in my head like a screaming car horn, but I quietly said “Yes” There was one beat after that “Yes” Just one and then it was on. The moment I was hoping for was right here. “TAKE ME” my brain yelled, but my mouth said nothing. I was paralyzed and had no idea what to do next so I did nothing and let him take the lead.