As most of you know who read my story, I have gone through some pretty rough disappointments when it comes to love. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately. So much so, that it sometimes feels like my brain is on overload. I have been quiet for a few months now because it was difficult for me to find words, any words that could truly depict what I’ve been thinking, feeling and going through. I have been going over each and every relationship I’ve ever been in and I’ve come to one very important conclusion: It is all about perspective.
I have chosen to look at my failures in relationships more as life lessons. I say chosen, because it’s really a conscious decision to make the effort to look at things that did not work out as planned and see them for all the good, joy, laughs and memories they’ve given me. From my most recent relationship to those from year’s past; these individuals meant something to me. They meant a place of peace, of safety, of love, of joy. Yes, I know. You are saying, it’s not always possible to let go of all the hurt, the pain, the betrayal, the lies, or even your ego, but I feel like it not only can be done, but I’m doing it. It’s not easy. It doesn’t mean the pain totally goes away. It means that I choose to look at these individuals as people. People, same as me, who have made mistakes, who maybe didn’t show their best side at times and who I believe genuinely cared for me at one time in their lives.
Now, don’t get me wrong; they may very well think of me as a total bitch. One that is heartless and cold and doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone, but that, in my opinion, couldn’t be farther from the truth. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a total bitch, cold and heartless at times when feelings are hurt and miscommunications happen. However, I, like anyone else, have been hurt, have been made to feel less than or not good enough, but I’ve also been made to feel special, like a sexy, smart, capable woman. I am these things with or without these people in my life, but at one time or another each and every one of them made me feel their love. I choose to hold on to that. I choose to remember that feeling they gave me when they held my hand or hugged me tight or looked in my eyes with a smile that lights up a room.
One can also believe that based on my history, I should be a bitter, angry, closed off human being. Numb to feeling kindness or love ever again. I am shocked sometimes at myself that I am, in fact, not that person. I do not find myself to be bitter or cold, I find myself at times to be wounded. I strive to keep myself open to love. Open to the possibility that somehow, someway, somewhere out there someone is waiting for a woman just like me. I have had many memorable relationships in my lifetime and not due solely to the demise of them, but due to what they had brought into my life at one time or another.
We are all flawed. Now that I am in my mid-forties, I can say that with certainty. I can say I am not perfect, nor will I try to be any longer. I am just me. I am crusty and full of holes and I am working every day on filling those holes up with love of myself, with experiences, with memories, with family and friends and maybe love isn’t in the cards for me right now and that’s ok. I am not looking to fill my holes with another person and put the responsibility of my happiness on their shoulders. I need to fill my holes and be whole in order to be able to give anyone the chance to be a part of this tiny little life I am creating for myself.
So, if at all possible, work on changing your perspective. Work on not being the victim of your decisions or circumstances, but being a major player in your own life. Enjoy every minute, don’t rush the good times and get yourself through the bad times. When you lay down at night and have those quiet moments alone, fill those holes little by little with joy of accepting yourself as you are. Think back on your past relationships and give the people who hurt you a break. They are only human. They make mistakes, as do you and at some point we need to let go of the hurt, the pain, the disappointment and see each individual for the human being they are. Give yourself a break. You gave it your all and it didn’t work. I get it, it can be depressing to think of it as wasted effort. It wasn’t. It is never a waste to love and be loved no matter the long term result.
We are all looking for that one big love. Maybe you had it and lost it, maybe you haven’t found it yet. The one thing I know is at some point you will be someone’s big love. Make sure you are all there for them. All in, as they say.
Stop going over and over every minuscule detail of what happened with each and every let down you’ve ever had. Try, as hard as it may be not to place blame and fault, cause in the long run none of that matters. There is no vindication in knowing you were right. The only thing possible in my eyes would be to accept what it was that you did not contribute, what you could do differently next time you are faced with loving someone.
Start looking at what was gained from each person you’ve loved. I have chosen to think of all the good things that have been brought into my life by those I have loved. I choose to see how they’ve helped open my eyes, changed me in ways I had never thought possible and made me into a more loving, caring person. From failure comes strength, resilience and perseverance. For me, I am taking those things and turning inward. I want to take what I’ve experienced and turn it into how I can be a better person, a more caring, loving, generous human being. To myself, to my family & friends and to the next man that I may fall in love with some day.
I choose to fill my holes so if the day comes when love arrives on my door again I will be ready. I will be ready to wholeheartedly give myself to another person without judgment of them or of myself. I choose, in those quiet moments alone to remember the smiles, the good times, the hand holding, the fun and the laughter.
Life is too short to dwell on what didn’t go right. It’s time to change our perspective and accept that things didn’t work out as planned, but that it was still worth doing. It was still worth being a part of, it was still worth the love you gave and the love you received. Love is always worth it even if it’s fleeting. I choose to be still and no longer seek out love until I am fully ready to give the kind of energy love deserves. I will not settle for anything less than accepting the love I know I was meant to have and being able to fully give the love I want someone to receive.
I will leave you with this final thought; To my past relationships, know I think of you fondly and with kindness in my heart. Hopefully at some point in your life, you will be able to think the same about me.