Love

Glinda the Good Witch

It was the morning of 4th of July and my girls were visiting Gingham and Friend Guy and I were going to the Parade and had a day planned of family BBQ’s and visiting friends.  He was running late and I was sitting on the couch watching TV.  He came in and had a big stupid grin on his face and I could tell he was up to something.  I asked what he was up to and he just smiled at me and said nothing.  I was used to his non communicative manner so it didn’t phase me and I went back to watching TV.  Next thing I knew he was next to me and I again didn’t really pay him much mind until out of the corner of my eye I saw that he was not in fact standing next to me, but kneeling.  It didn’t register and I was definitely caught off guard.  I was about to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing, but it was too late and he was speaking….”Will you marry me?”  Just like that.  Flat, nervous, shaky and direct.  It rang in my head “Will you Marry me?”  WHY ON EARTH DOES EVERYONE WANT TO MARRY ME???  Apparently I have what one would call a spell that takes over men and their families to believe I am the “one”  I have been the “one” for many men in my life….but I know that the “one” for me eludes me time and time again.  Could this be it?  Could this be him?  Could this be the moment the tides change and life as I know it with all it’s failures and endings starts something new?  I do not believe that getting engaged or married is the ending point, but the beginning.  The beginning of something new, something wonderful, something to hold sacred.  All of these thoughts happened in a matter of seconds and I looked at Friend Guy and hit him in the chest with both my hands.  “What are you talking about?” I asked….I’m not sure if it was a stalling tactic or if I was really just surprised that yet again I was in this situation.  I could do this.  I could be someone’s wife.  I could live happily ever after giving of myself to someone else…forever…..right?  I could tell the panic begin to rise in him as he asked “Are you going to answer?”  And I said “YES”  Yes….a tiny little word that made me no longer who I was and catapulted me into being something, someone else.  I was no longer just a mother or a daughter or a sister or a girlfriend….I was now a fiancé.  Set up and staged, on deck to be someone’s wife.  To tell you the truth, I did love him.  I am not sure I was in love with him.  It was unfair of me now when I look back on it, being that I was so determined to have the relationship I grew up watching and that was role modeled for me that I was willing to do anything to emulate it.  That day we went to our families houses to announce the engagement.  We went to our friends BBQ and they cheered for us.  And it was a happy day, it was a joyous occasion and yet there was a tiny twinge inside me that I decided not to listen to.  I was not convinced he was “THE” guy.  Isn’t that just awful?  What the heck was wrong with me?  The saying goes marry the first time for love and the second time for money….I wasn’t sure what my reasons were then for getting married.  I was so in love with love, I was so happy someone thought that I, little old sarcastic, somewhat bitchy, egocentric, kinda a hot mess me could be someone’s wife.  It gave me hope.  It made me think that maybe I can’t trust what I felt, or thought, but maybe I could trust what others felt or thought about me.  I look back now and think how dumb I was.  How non-self aware I was.  How I was not looking within me for answers, but outward.  I was looking for someone to make me feel whole, to feel happy.  The biggest downfall of this search was that I was looking everywhere but within the one person that actually held all the answers.  I was on a search, a quest and like Glinda the good witch says….”You always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”  Mark my words……it takes a lot longer than I would have liked to figure that out.

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