Beginnings

ABC

Now I was going on 38 years old, two divorces and you would think that I would had given up on men altogether. I mean really, I was getting tired, where was he already!  All those years of dating and searching, he had to be getting closer right?  The girls and I finally moved into our own house.  It was still a rental, but finally everyone had their own rooms, we had space to spread out and I realized that every time over the years that I wanted to have a baby I would get an animal.  So somehow I moved into our new house with 2 dogs, 4 cats and 2 teenage daughters.  Things were busy to say the least.  I was at a great job and doing very well.  I was happy and things seemed to be turning around for me finally.  At this point I began to think that maybe I had an issue with commitment.  I mean, I seemed to make everyone leave.  Not that I didn’t have good reason, but it was like having a relationship on lease.  If I didn’t like it or the warranty was about to be up, I’d trade it in for a new one.  So I got to thinking, what could I do to prove to myself that I could commit to wholeheartedly besides my children and my job?  So I thought reading.  I wanted to begin to do something for myself, a hobby per say.  So I started researching book clubs in my area.  Through library’s, through other friends and I found one and I was very excited.  I mean, It was like being on a month to month lease.  I could totally commit to something for a month.  So I approached the local book club and guess what?  I was denied access.  I mean really, can you believe that?  They said no and that it was a closed group.  I had my first commitment rejection and I hadn’t even read a book yet.  So fine.  That was not going to stop me, so I decided to start my own and call it ABC.  I harvested emails from every town wide email that was sent and I blasted an email out stating that MY book club was about to begin and anyone who was anyone should be a part of it.  I sent out an email with over 500 names on it.  6 people showed up and two were my best friends.  It was pathetic at first, but the premise was good, the only rule I had was “Show Up”  We began monthly and I hosted them all at first, the last Thursday of every month.  Word got out and people began to bring their friends and before I knew it we were over 20 and going strong.  I started this network of amazing woman from all different circles in our town and got together over wine, of course, and discussed things other than our kids and relationships.  The group was diverse and interesting and we really did debate the books and the characters and I felt like I was actually doing something that used my brain and didn’t consist of a field chair or fifth grade math homework.  I could discuss culture and writing and characters and people and get all these different opinions and it felt really really good.  I was building a new group of women friends and little did I know how important they would soon become to me.  During this time my daughters were entering into the teenage years with full force and I for one was not ready.  I mean “they” tell you that the teenage years are awful, but it’s like telling someone who hasn’t had a baby what childbirth is like.  No one really understands until your smack dab in the middle of it calling for reinforcements cause your out numbered and you might not make it out alive.  Despite who has come into my life, there has always been a circle of three, myself and my two daughters and most men have always felt on the outside of that circle.  We don’t do it consciously, or at least I didn’t think we did, but we were hard to penetrate.  I was not used to being on the outside of that circle, but as they started to go through puberty, get their periods, become people I did not recognize, I knew it was me against them and I may not be the last man standing.  I knew that I had to start building a life of my own, not only for support and stabilization, but that one day they would actually grow up and leave me and I would be left with nothing but memories of cheering competitions and softball glory days and not much else.  It was time to focus on me and what I needed and not live in survival mode anymore, being a single mom, looking for love.  It was time to take inventory and begin to do things, and live life before it got away from me.  Too bad god had my social security number mixed up with someone else and that was not in the cards for me just yet…

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