Finding your Voice

Realize

Was he really this friendly with his ex?  I mean, that’s great and weird all at the same time.  I can’t judge anyone and their ex relationships being gingham and his wife stay at my house when they come to visit.  Whatever works I guess.  I could tell within minutes of her opening her mouth that she had no idea I was dating jolly guy.  She started making comments about child support and how he never did this or that in the kitchen when they were married.  I started to feel uncomfortable and then there was a tiny break in my uneasiness.  I looked to my left and in the doorway I could see three heads, just heads of jolly guys friends just staring at me.  I guess maybe it wasn’t so normal to see jolly guy, his date and his ex-wife making Thanksgiving dinner together.  They giggled and made gestures and mouthed things like “OH MY GOD” it was funny and with that I just let her know that some of the things she was saying weren’t nice.  I left the kitchen and was approached by said friends and taken to the side to giggle a bit and discuss that I was such a good sport.  I instantly felt like part of the group and I have to say it felt nice.  About a half hour later or so, jolly guy and I were sitting on the couch talking with a group of party guests and he had his arm around me.  I looked up and the ex-wife looked right at me, smiled and nodded her head.  We exchanged a quick glance realization that said “Oh….you’re seeing him” and my return glance said “Yea, yea I am” and that was that.  It was a fun, silly, friendly afternoon and I was smitten with not only jolly guy but all his friends.  What a fun, silly, jolly group they were too!  There was one friend in particular that I found myself drawn to.  He was quick-witted and sarcastic, he was funny and dedicated and never backed down, but there was something a bit more real about him.  I felt like our personalities clicked immediately.  Not in an interested or sexual way, just as people.  I could see myself becoming friends with this guy. I guess there are just some people you can feel some sort of connection with immediately and I thought this guy was a nice guy.  Did he have issues, yes.  We all do.  Did he have flaws and faults, I was sure of it although I didn’t know for sure, but there was something about those blue eyes, that smile that just seemed genuine to me and it warmed my heart to see jolly guy had him as a friend. The day ended, the guests left, I helped clean up, we had another drink and apparently I got the “OK” from his friends.  I mean I did cook gravy on the stove in his house with him and ex wife….how could I NOT get the OK!  How cool am I!  At least that’s what I was thinking.  We stood in the living room kissing for a while then made our way to the bedroom.  This was going to be it right?  Food, drinks, family, friends, warm thanks were being given, a perfect opportunity to take our relationship from where it was to something a bit more intimate. Why I didn’t initiate having sex I’m not sure.  I find I never do.  I don’t even know if I know how to initiate it.  I can go in for the kiss, I can give you all the signs to come and get it, but the actual act or the fear of all that rejection makes me nauseous.  My ego was fragile enough, I couldn’t think about attempting and then getting denied.  God, I don’t know how guys do it.  It’s like they are born knowing how rejection feels.  I will never get used to it.  We got to the bedroom and he laid me back on the bed.  I was nervous.  What if he thinks I don’t know what I’m doing?  What if he doesn’t know what he’s doing?  What if there is no chemistry?  Ok, just breathe.  It’s like riding a bike, I could do this.  He laid on top of me kissing me and then slowly rolled over.  He brought me towards him and laid my head on his chest.  He stroked my hair, he held my hand and…there we laid…in silence…just being.  What a fantastic end to a wonderful day.

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