Kitten Heels

I was feeling terribly guilt stricken.  Why wasn’t being home with the kids and taking care of my home enough for me?  How come other women could do it and be so fulfilled?  It made me feel less of a woman knowing it just wasn’t enough.  I didn’t let that thought into my head too many times.  I tried over and over, day in and day out to convince myself this was enough.  I could be the good wife, the good mother, the good housekeeper, I could do all of it, but it still left me feeling empty and that was heartbreaking for me.  My days consisted of putting over a hundred miles on my car a day driving the girls everywhere they needed to be; school, sports, functions, therapy, groups, everywhere and anywhere they needed to be it was on me to get them there.  Because well, as you know, jolly guy had to work.  By the time he would come home at night I was completely depleted.  I was lacking any kind of romance or love or even energy.  It was utterly exhausting and the fact that my one daughter wasn’t there made it worse for me.  Her and I were like soul sisters.  Even though she had her issues, so much of my life had been wrapped up in her strife.  It was about taking care of her and making sure she got through every day.  It was about keeping her alive and trying to get her to thrive.  Now that that piece was missing, my purpose seemed lacking the luster it once had.  Although she had her issues, she was also the one person that knew me inside and out.  I could rely on her silence as well as her insight.  I never had to tell her how I felt because she was so in tuned to me she already knew.  That is what I was hoping jolly guy and I would be like.  Where he could look at me and know I needed a hug, know I needed a smile, know I needed help.  We had many an argument where I know the words came out of my mouth sounding something like this “Just because I make it look easy, doesn’t mean it is.”  And I believed that.  I was handling everything and anything and although it was all getting done and I was a master of efficiency, by no means was it easy.  The biggest issue for me was that I was feeling so alone in all of it.  The girls and I had a good system going and we actually all operated quite well, but he the odd man out and I think he could feel it.  The dynamic changed when he was around, the mood got a little darker and no matter what we all did he seemed to no longer be jolly, but miserable.  It appeared as if he hated me, he hated the house, he didn’t want the kids anywhere near him and all he could talk about was when he was going to throw another party with his friends.  We never did anything anymore, we didn’t go to dinner, we didn’t go to clubs, we didn’t go anywhere.  I begged for us to spend a night out having fun and one night he said ok.  We got all dressed up and headed to the club with a few couples.  I was dressed to the nine and looking pretty hot if you ask me.  We were there for a while and it was fun, but he was still distant.  He was still not there really and finally he said “Let’s go.”  We got in the car and I thought I’d spice things up.  So in my kitten heels I said “Want to stop on the side of the road and have sex?”  I was giddy with anticipation for breathing some life back into us when he said “No, I’m kind of tired, lets just go home.”  And we did.  And he went to sleep.  And I knew that was the real beginning of the end.

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