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Those Eyes

It took me a day or two to answer Serendipity’s email.  I had so much and nothing to say all at the same time.  I kept it short and sweet

I left the bar that night because I needed to remove myself from the situation, in retrospect I wish I hadn’t. I walked to your house and waited for you in the hopes that when you arrived we could talk more privately, but after a while, you didn’t show so I left. I wasn’t angry then and I’m not angry now; I am disappointed. I made my concerns, wants, needs very clear to you numerous times over the last two months, but they have seemed to go unaddressed or fell on deaf ears. I wish things between you and I turned out differently. I’m not blaming you for being where you are in life and I hope you can respect where I am, I’m looking for more. I wish you nothing but happiness and success and am glad our paths have crossed. Enjoy your down time in the sun.

And that was basically the end of that.  I never saw him again.  I seem to never understand how people just come in and out of our lives so easily.  Maybe I give my love away too freely, maybe I should take more time to let the honeymoon period wear off and see where the chips land once everyone is comfortable.  But if I did that, I wouldn’t be me.  I love hard, play hard, work had, that’s part of who I am and that’s a part of me I’m so proud of.

I’m never going to let any of these people who have hurt me, held me back or not been able to be what I need break me.  That would be silly.  Every single solitary person I have had a relationship with has made me better, stronger, wiser.  It has also made me broke, homeless and heartbroken, but let’s try to focus on the positives shall we?  There is always a silver lining.  There is always someone else out there ready to meet you, ready to find out more about you.  Will they all be your next husband or wife?  99.9% of the time is no, but I wouldn’t change having these people in my life.

What I learned from being in a relationship with Serendipity is that I am willing to go all the way.  I am willing to push myself out of my comfort zone.  I am willing to look into myself and see my own flaws and know that they make up some of the most beautiful parts of me.  At my age, it would be ridiculous to think that someone doesn’t come equipped with baggage, scars and bruises from their past.  Why must we always let our past dictate where our future will go? My past will only be a map of where I have been, not where I am going.  It’s one thing to identify why you made certain decisions.  Sometimes we make them because we think they are the RIGHT thing to do, sometimes it’s because we are scared of being alone.  And sometimes we make them in the name of love.

You know, that thing so many of us are looking for?  That one person who knows us better than anyone else, who can feel us even when we aren’t around.  Who we tell our deepest darkest secrets to and trust with all our might.  That one person who can’t keep their hands off you, who looks at you with those eyes, you know the ones.  The ones that tell you “You are it”  “You are what I’ve been waiting for my whole life”  The person you click with, your drive, determination, humor, conversation, personalities, all of it just clicks.  None of it is forced, none of it is manipulated, none of it has to be taught…it just clicks.

That’s the guy I’m looking for.  I know he’s out there.  You will never get me to believe he isn’t.  But I’m not holding the rest of my life back waiting around for him and I’m not going on a search for him either.  He will show up when the timing is right.  And I will know it.  And I will be scared.  And I may shy away, but I will face him and allow myself to fall in love with him.  And I will give him everything I am.  Except this time, I’ll know myself enough to know I’m giving it to someone who deserves it.  Who deserves me.  And next time, I won’t settle for anything less.

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