“You, yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~The Buddha
What a breath of fresh air to be with someone who sees you. Not just the outside, but the inside too. When someone says, “I see you. I get you,” it feels so amazing. It’s the kind of relationships we want in our lives. So how can we bring this kind of person into our reality?
First, we have to be ok with who we are right now, in this moment. The old theory is that when you stop looking, the right person shows up. Why is that? It’s because we put our energies on ourselves instead of putting it on someone, anyone else, who might see a glimmer of interest in us, even just the tiniest spark. Because when they see it in us, we see it in ourselves.
We don’t see it for ourselves because we are our harshest critics. And being our harshest critic instead of our own best friend means that we dim that shine and we can only see it when someone else shines their light on us – through attention, love, flirting, etc. When we fall in love with someone, we fall equally in love with ourselves, through the lens of the other person.
That image can get distorted, though, when we don’t believe we’re enough. Instead, we mold ourselves to what others need or want us to be, so that we can have their love in return. And when we don’t love ourselves, we’ll take whatever crumbs of love someone tosses at us, meanwhile they may tell us how wrong we are, how we should be to make them happier, and they withhold love for one reason or another. When lovers are only giving us relationship crumbs, we can never be enough because they aren’t fully invested. And they aren’t fully invested because they don’t think they’re enough either, so they don’t risk being real and vulnerable. Now that distorted image shows us where our deepest issues really mirror each other. And so the cycle repeats: We blame ourselves for not being good enough. Our shine dims a little more. Someone new comes along and sees our light. Suddenly maybe we’re enough again. Rinse and repeat.
When we believe we’re not enough, we pack up all our self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love, stick it in a gigantic bag, and throw it on the shoulders of someone else, who probably isn’t wanting or willing to take it on. And since we attract and are attracted to people who are like us – they don’t think they’re enough either. Would you put on their giant bag of shitty self-esteem and dole out it for them, piece by piece, every day? That’s a lot of power to give someone else, and the responsibility of keeping someone else happy is exhausting.
When we love ourselves, accept our flaws, fuck ups, realities, hard and soft parts, we can know we’re enough.
To know you’re enough means to find compassion for yourself. You’re always doing the best you can with what you know and have. Even when you fuck up. Yes, even that one huge, awful time.
Forgive yourself. Say it a thousand times if you need to. You too are worthy of forgiveness. Of compassion. Of love. Especially your own.
We’re all just trying to be happy. No one else got a Life Manual, and they aren’t any more put together than you are. Pick up your own bag and give yourself love, peace, strength, and compassion. You’re worth it.