Ex by definition means without so you are sans partner, the good and the bad, the fights and the make-ups, the kind and discouraging words. So why would you want to break back into prison? As Brian Flannigan of Cocktail fame said, “Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end.” So when your Ex shows up and wants to talk, it most likely won’t be all ‘Cocktails and Dreams’. They lost the title of your better half either by yours, theirs or a combination of both of you unravelling.
But you are more mature now, in a better place or so you tell yourself. You can handle having an adult conversation with an adult outcome. This time it will be different you think. You look fondly on the things that you two used to do well together. Maybe you can overlook the attitude, the lies or the drama. You think you actually might miss them. Why not hear them out, right?
Chances are after they open their mouths and move past the fluff of you look good and it’s nice to see you, old wounds and hurt will spill out and turn into the SSDD syndrome. No matter how dressed up they got, how good they smell or the promises that they have changed, those old feelings emerge faster than a speeding bullet. The feelings like I need to look for an escape route quick! Where is a phone booth when I need one? Did I even bring my cape today? Damnit, I knew I should have stopped at the Dry Cleaners. But I digress. The point is that being without is still better than being with.
People who drift apart can rarely close the gap that widens over weeks, months or years. We think it may be something manageable like a small crack but in reality, it’s a Grand Canyon type hole that can never be patched up. As we get older, we are who we are. We still have most of our default factory settings that will always re-emerge, for better or for worse. It’s possible you may not even like who you were or became because of your partner and that gap allowed you to heal.
If you can sit down with your Ex and tear off the Band-Aids and allow the emotional scars to heal together, then it is entirely possible for Us: The Sequel. Relationships take work, trust, honestly, loyalty, communication and most important love. However, a break-up of any kind will take twice or even three times the amount of effort to even get back to normal, let alone to move above and beyond to happily ever after AGAIN. Coughlin’s Laws remind us that “Anything else is always something better” and “Bury the dead, they stink up the joint.” Maybe it’s better to have that cocktail and dream by yourself.
Ex’s are a tricky thing in relationships. I think for the most part I am a pretty good ex. I’m a great ex-wife that’s for sure, but I’m a pretty good ex girlfriend too. I don’t have the need that some ex’s do to constantly prove I was the best thing the guy I was with ever had. I don’t need to stalk them on social media or try to embarrass them in real life if I see them. Most of my ex’s are still friends of mine to some extent. It doesn’t bother me, but it does have an affect on the men I date going forward.
Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. There are plenty of articles to counter being “friends” with an ex. I understand it and totally get it, but if that person meant so much to you at one time, isn’t there still something redeemable about them? I haven’t answered that question just yet. I think having an ex show up and want to get together puts undo strain on a relationship. No mater how secure you two are together, an ex can definitely makes waves that are unnecessary. Case in point: I had my boyfriend tell me his ex emailed and wanted to get together for a drink. He told her that would be great and said he’d check with me and we could all get together. That did not sit well with her and the conversation was over.
My ex on the other hand, the father of my children, is always around. Not physically since he lives a few states away, but just in our business and connected to me and my girls. He has always been supportive of me no matter what and even has said he can’t wait to meet my current boyfriend. He has gone as far as to say “I hope he doesn’t fuck up like I did.” To me that was sensitive and genuine, when I told my boyfriend I could tell that it made him uncomfortable. Whatever the circumstance, ex’s should stay ex’s and unless you have children involved, out of the picture in my opinion. There is enough to worry about without bringing an ex back into the mix!