Accountability

Shimmers of Light

I had my daughter in June the following year and she was gorgeous. She cried all the time and was stubborn from the get go. My parents spent three weeks at a bed and breakfast around the corner from us in West Virginia to help. The day that they left I can remember feeling like I was the babysitter waiting for the real mom to come home. I knew nothing about being a parent. All I knew was at that moment I was all alone and it was me against this tiny little thing and she was already winning. It was only a short time later that things began to really get crazy. I received a letter in the mail that I was being sued. By our landlord. Apparently for the past three months or so gingham was supposed to be dropping off the rent checks but never did and we were behind and not only was I getting sued but we were getting evicted. Evicted! I called the landlord on the phone and he said he was sorry and that he thought I was a nice, smart girl and that I deserved better than the man I was with. At the time I was insulted, but also in my head agreed with him. So I packed my stuff and the baby and again I called my mother.  My father arrived the next day to picked us up. When he arrived at my apartment it was me, a two month old, nursing baby, our stuff and not gingham.  I did not take gingham with me. I told him if he wanted us he knew where to find us and that I hoped he figured it out quickly. I lived with my parents for about three weeks and out of nowhere gingham arrived to claim back his family. We officially moved to NJ, got an apartment, got jobs and life started all over again. I never did find out what he did with that money, who he spent it on, what he bought, where he went with it and to this day that still annoys me.   The very first night in our apartment in NJ I stepped on my glasses and broke them, so I couldn’t drive to the grocery store, so he did. We packed up our daughter and made our way up there, got what we needed and was on our way home when WHAM! We got in an accident. Ambulance was called and they took our daughter on one stretcher and me on another and off to the hospital we went. We were fine, but the car wasn’t, it was totaled. Now most people would start seeing the red flashing signs all over the place, but not me. I wore blinders and kept my head down and plugged forward AND my glasses were broken! The accident was now the second time I would be sued. They went after my insurance company for $1 million dollars. You heard me, they didn’t’ get it, but that’s what they went after. We had to go to court for that accident and that’s when the truth began to start dropping its shiny little self all over my parade.  Why is it in the heat of the moment we do not stop and see what everyone else can see?  Why do we convince ourselves that our gut feelings are wrong?  That our hearts or heads know better than that tiny voice that creeps into our consciousness telling us what we already know but aren’t willing to admit?  In the past few months I have only grown accustomed to listening to that voice and I heave learned quite quickly that it is in fact, never wrong.  It’s not.  Think back to all those times it gave you warnings you didn’t head, it told you right from wrong and you ignored it?  I have since begun to harness this ability to listen to my gut, follow what it tells me and hear all the things it wants me to know.  My gut and I have now been in a very intimate relationship as of late and I will never, ever, again….tell it I know better.  Because truth be told….I don’t.

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