Change

No More

It was close to 3:00 am when he walked in from work. He had no trepidation in his step, no hesitation, as far as he knew she said nothing was going on and all was right with the world. His plan backfired and now the cat was out of the bag. He walked into the bedroom where I sat and he tried to give me a kiss hello. I denied that kiss and he sat on a couch at the end of the bed and just looked at me. “So you spoke to her right? We’re good right? She told you nothing was going on right? I knew you wouldn’t believe me, but she told you the truth right?”  I responded with this “Oh yes, I believe she told me the truth.”  For the next hour or so I was relentless and he was stuck in denial. He refused to admit there was anything going on even after I told him she told me “She’s lying then, she’s just trying to make trouble” I never let up, he was going to admit it or this conversation would never end. I went on and on, I threw out guilt and family and the air was thick with hatred and deceit and pain. I cried and made him watch my tears, the tears that he caused. I spoke of our daughters and what would he do if this happened to them and what kind of man was he and question after question and finally he complied. He looked me straight in the face and with tears in his eyes told me “Ok, you’re right, I’ve been sleeping with her” I believe at that point, is where choices were made, lines were drawn and the decision whether prison is really as bad as everyone says were made. Would anyone have blamed me if I took out a gun and shot him, a knife and stabbed him in the heart literally to equate the way in which he did to me figuratively? It wasn’t that graphic a scene but it was bad. Something inside my head snapped, like when you click off and can’t bring yourself back down anymore. Like a scared puppy that has to be held tightly and told it will be ok before they can calm down. I had no more coping skills to talk me off the ledge and every last word I ever wanted to say to anyone that had hurt me came out. It was a well-orchestrated soliloquy of pain and tears and effort and sadness and disappointment.   It was seeing my high school boyfriend go to the prom with a good friend, it was hearing my college boyfriend had slept with someone else; it was betrayal after betrayal and now the demise of my marriage. The marriage I didn’t want in the first place. The marriage that was forced upon me that never should have happened. At that moment it was blaming everyone else for all the bad choices that I had made.  I was the victim and I played the part like Fay Dunaway in Mommy Dearest.  No More Wire Hangers!  No More Men!  No More Lies!  No More!  I have sat with that anger and the pain and the disappointment of my relationships for a very long time.  It is only recently I have realized that the person I was, was not in fact the person I wanted to be.  I am totally responsible for my part in all of these bad relationships.  How could it be that every single relationship ended badly and it was always their fault?  They all had one thing in common….me.  I was the common denominator.  In life it is not easy to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are actually holding yourself back.  It may be your picker is off like mine is, it may be you are attracting the same guy over and over cause you haven’t changed anything about yourself.  The motto of 2015 is “Do Something Different to Get Something Different”  Sounds easy enough right?  It is the simplest of phrases and has been the hardest thing to implement in my every day life.  So starting today, do something different.  Whether it’s what you change about yourself, what you put out into the universe, what chances you take, pushing yourself to the limit of your comfort zone.  Do it today. Cause you will never get something different in your life if you keep doing the same thing.  The clearest definition of insanity there is….continuing to do the same thing expecting a different result.  Doesn’t happen.

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