Humpty Dumpty

I did have a great few years without a steady boyfriend. I was raising my children, enjoying their childhood, I had a great job doing something I really enjoyed, I had amazing friends that I spent endless amounts of time with and gingham and I even became friends during this time. He moved shortly after our divorce back to his home state and I think the distance did us well. Space and time seem to heel a lot of the worlds ills. At least it helped me to heal mine. Gingham was not an every day dad. He wasn’t there late at night to clean up puke, he wasn’t there to help with homework or dinner or the tears that fell from his daughters eyes. He wasn’t there to be my supporter, cheerleader when parenting became a foreign language and I had no idea how to speak. He was though there for the important events, he was there for the Christmas concerts and opening day of softball. He was there for holy communion and 6th grade graduation and he was always a phone call away. I know gingham has always loved his children. I also know that gingham has always loved me. Strange to say after all we went through but like I said with age and time and space comes a wisdom you don’t possess when your young. Every year for the last 19 years ginghams mother had called to tell me that he and I are meant to be together. At one point I even reconsidered giving him another chance. We were no longer those two desperate kids with babies, money troubles and fear staring us in the face. We were now in our 30s. I went through a lot of therapy and soul searching to finally come to the realization that hating him was only hurting me. I sat down at the computer and composed an email and the most powerful line in the entire thing was “I forgive you.” And I did. I forgave him for breaking my heart, for getting me pregnant, for changing the course of my life beyond recognition. I forgave him for the tiny cracks that would remain in my heart just under the surface. More importantly I forgave myself. For being young, for being naive, for being a bitch. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Once you can honestly let go of the anger, which we all know is a reactionary emotion that masks the pain and hurt we’ve suffered, you become lighter. Your cross is not so heavy to carry and you can begin to see people for who they are. I can not change the course of my past. I can not resent it. Gingham gave me my children, blessings that would, over time shape my identity, that would prove to be the most amazing yet challenging relationship I ever experience. I love gingham for that. He will always be a part of my life, a part of my past, present and future, mostly he will always hold a piece of my heart no matter how shattered it is. And that’s ok with me. The wounds heel, the new skin grows and if your lucky and take care of yourself sometimes you can barely see the scar that’s left. So tape it up, stitch it back together, cover it with ointment and bandages to heel. Cause one day you will have to take the bandages off and let the wound breath. It will hit the air like an icy morning in February and it may even sting. But get it wet, clean it out and watch as your body regenerates itself and makes you whole again. Anything can be put back together, just look at Humpty Dumpty. We are all made up of more than the sum of our parts, the cracks in our surface, the scars that we see. We heel. We forgive. We move on….and that is exactly what I did.

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