Accountability

Auld Lang Syne

New Years came and went and I for one think it’s the most overrated under performing day of the year. The only great thing is the chance to begin again. And that is one of my strong points. Beginning over was something I did often and with vigor. This time I needed some time. Real time. To be alone. To be with me. To figure out what I was doing cause apparently I am the definition of insanity: continuing to do the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. So time to start doing things a new way. Too bad I had no clue what that was or how to do that. So I just laid low. Going to work after my holiday break was less than comfortable. Dreads and I didn’t speak, we didn’t even make eye contact. We sat in meetings together and he resorted to emailing me work related things from less than fifty feet away. What a coward. He walked out almost two weeks prior and still hasn’t said anything. Then one day I couldn’t take it anymore and I stomped into his office, slammed the door and laid into him. “Who the hell do you think you are? Walking out on me and treating me like I don’t exist?” He got up from his desk and I got a touch nervous cause he looked infuriated. I backed myself towards the door when he leaned in and said “I’ve missed you” and kissed me. I fought him for all of a millasecond and found myself groping and panting. When it was over I went back to my office and wanted to slam my head against the wall. What the hell was I doing? I’m a freakin idiot! That did not go as planned and I was extremely disappointed in myself. Really? I was swayed by a kiss and passion and sexual intensity. I was weak. I was flawed. And nothing was going to change for me if I continued to allow idiots to change my mind with a touch a sex appeal. Damn that smooth, soft, dark skin!! I was weak, did I mention that? Before I knew it we were back on and the Christmas Eve walk out wasn’t discussed. There was no closure. There was no bridging the gap. It just sorta went away. Except as most of us knows, it never really goes away. It lays in wait. Just below the surface. Bumping up every once in a while when triggered, but you try your best to keep it at bey. Then your next argument ensues and it’s ready to be unleashed. You can’t wait to slap it out there into the air where it can hang there until it gets addressed. But all it does is fuel the fire. You think your making a point, bringing up an unresolved issue that you’ve held on to and began to resent. But there is no point. There’s no remorse. There’s no apology. It’s thrown back at you with distain cause apparently your accused of not being able to let things go. Dreads and I did two things very well and consistently: we fought and we made up. It’s the most exhausting way to live in a relationship.  It’s actually no way to live in a relationship. I know relationships are hard, but it’s not supposed to be that hard. Working every day with the fear that someone will walk out. Will run. Will take your emotions on a road trip with them and you have very little control. All of this was going on while trying to keep my daughter alive. Literally. I was at the verge of imploding. Something had to give. And then one night my world changed and I found myself at the emergency room.

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