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Friend Request

Over the next few weeks, I dabbled here and there with dreads cause it was easy and he was there and I did like him a lot, but he wasn’t THE guy.  I was beginning to think that THE guy didn’t exist.  Which was a shame because I totally believed I could be THE girl.  It was extremely frustrating to say the least. I would say maybe two weeks went by and all of a sudden I got a text message from a number with no name.  All it said was “You’re Turn”  I looked at the text for at least a day.  Deciding if I was going to answer.  I knew jolly guy was on the other end of that text watching for me to respond.  I didn’t.  I was just as cold as they all told me I was.  I was standing my ground.  You told me to “Get my Sh^t together” and I could not do that in two weeks.  I could barely do it in twenty years.  He would have to wait.  Another week went by and things at  my house went from already horrifying to absolutely absurdly terrifying and I couldn’t focus on anything.  Work, kids, household, doctors, hospitals, more doctors.  My head was spinning.  Then I got a facebook friend request from jolly guy.  Are you telling me you stalked me out on facebook?  Really?  Fine, I give in.  I don’t have time for this, so I accepted the friend request.  Over the next two months there would be a like here, a like there never a comment, but enough to let me know he was watching, paying attention, hoping I would say something.  I didn’t.  I would like a picture of his here or there and yes, I at least let him know I too was paying attention.  October rolled around and it was my birthday month.  Dreads asked me to go to a wedding with him.  I agreed because I could use a night out and because I cleaned up pretty well.  The last weekend in October my daughter had to leave my house.  I could no longer take care of her in the way in which she needed.  I was heartbroken and scared and I had no idea what this new chapter of our lives was going to hold, but I knew she was going to get the help she needed and I had to pray that this last attempt to help was going to work, because all else had failed. I was feeling lower than low.  I was feeling like an utter failure and the day she left I cried the whole day.  I was so sad that I would not be waking up with her at home, listening to her breath or watching her sleep.  I hadn’t seen her smile or laugh in what felt like forever and I knew there was no other way.  This was the day that I mentioned I would need strength for.  To make the toughest decision of my life.  To accept that I could not handle what was put in front of me and that no matter how much I loved her she needed something I could not give her.  So the day arrived and it was horrendous and sad and yet there was a tiny bit of hope in me.  I tiny bit that this would help, this would give everyone what they needed.  It wasn’t going to give me a man, but it would give me a part of my life back that I didn’t have before.  It would give me peace of mind to know that she was safe and being cared for.  It would allow me to breath and not be scared every moment I was alive.  It would give me a reprieve from the turmoil we had all been through and allow us to hopefully heel  That’s what we needed at that moment.  Time to heal, time to remember there is hope and to try and keep the faith.  If I could get through this with my daughter surely I could find ONE man to love.  Right?

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