He had no answers.  Basically what I found out was that bills were not a priority to him and living life to the fullest was of the utmost importance.  I’m all for it, but not at the expense of going broke or living without electricity.  I am not a pioneer woman, I do not wish to cook over an open flame or wash my clothes on a rock down by the river.  It is not appealing to me in the least.  He appeared to have everything; money, great job, house, but it was all becoming quite clear that things were not as they appeared and the façade that he had built up was slowly coming down around both of us.  I didn’t need him to have money or own a home, I needed him to be honest, I needed him to live a life that was comfortable.  For me that meant, him, me, a house comfortable to fit the six of us and the animals.  I didn’t think that was too much to ask for.  I didn’t need the hype, the gifts, the cars, the toys, I just needed the intangibles; love, hope, faith and laughter.  I came to realize that when he had overspent in the past, or if he had enjoyed himself out of money to pay for life’s necessity’s he would go to his mother.  Now at the risk of looking like a child, he would come to me instead.  And even though I thought this kind of financial behavior was juvenile and immature, I would help because well, what else was my choice?  I was now over 5k in the hole for his living the good life and I wasn’t happy about it.  I felt a bit duped, like I was tricked and I was starting to feel angry all the time. Everything seemed to revolve around money; especially because I had some, he didn’t and when he did, he spent it on what I considered to be frivolous things.  I guess it’s all perception, but I hated the thought of being our age and depending on our parents to get us out of a bind.  Not a, the basement flooded or we were in an accident bind, but we went out to dinner one too many times or want new pool stuff bind.  I guess that’s just not how I lived my life.  The addition got underway and of course the plan was we split that too.  We did have many an argument about splitting the taxes, mortgage and addition.  I understood the premise that I was living there and the addition was in part for me and my kids to be comfortable and the thought was we were in this together forever, but then why couldn’t my name be on anything?  Why couldn’t we add an amendment that had some clause or legal statement that at least got me my money back should something unfortunate happen to our love story?  He wouldn’t hear of it and that got me so mad I could have screamed or punched something.  I didn’t want to take the house or all your money or half of whatever if something happened to us, I just wanted what was mine.  I didn’t see anything wrong with that and it got under my skin that he was so adamantly against it.  Things were tense in the house to say the least.  The addition was on everyone’s nerves, the dust, the noise, the time frame; all of it was a lot to take.  Add on the regular four teenage girl drama, the animals and then the hostility between jolly guy and I and it was like a powder keg.  I realized jolly guy was not really all that jolly at all.  He was negative actually.  He was a pessimist.  He thought the world was out to get him and would comment on how bad his luck was and around every turn, every argument or thing that didn’t go his way, the universe was telling him he sucked.  I would tell him to try to change his perception of things.  That being happy was a choice and I was trying desperately to choose it even though it got harder and harder. I gave up my house, my hometown of ten years, my friends, now my money and I was trapped like Rapunzel in this big house and I felt alone.  To top it off, jolly guy became the guy that sucked.  Sucked the life out of me, the fun out of things and the hope that this would work.  On the outside and to all his friend he was still jolly guy, but at home he was becoming rotten guy and I was becoming something I didn’t want to be.  Nasty, nagging, hard to be around girl.  I had to fix this.  I needed jolly guy back. And I would do just anything to make that happen.

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