Accountability

Food Wars

He came home that night and there were very few words.  What he did say was “I didn’t mean it.”  Unfortunately the words were already out there.  The saying about words hurting and not being able to take them back is so ridiculously true.  My heart was hurt.  My inner being felt rocked because above anything else I believed he loved me.  And that was the common thread we had keeping us together. As I mentioned before, everything I was doing was because of him, if he didn’t want me or didn’t love me then what was I there for?  There would be no reason to stay.  At that moment I thought there was going to be no way we could repair us.  Lets say he didn’t mean it, it was already out there and more over, if he didn’t mean it and just said it to hurt me, what kind of cruel joke was that?  I wasn’t sure I would be able to get over those words.  I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stay there.  Where would I go?  I would  have to endure another set of “I told you so’s” from my family and friends.  Of it not working, of being the constant relationship failure.  That was not something I took lightly and I was not going out without a fight.  Except that night, I had the wind knocked out of me and I had no fight left in me.  The next few days were quiet around the house.  The kids didn’t even say much which is strange because the house was always filled with someone’s voice, singing, yelling, talking, laughing.  This time there was many quiet moments that went by.  Everyone was nervous.  Everyone knew something was changing and it was getting harder and harder to keep things going.  Christmas was upon us and it went off nicely, but again, quietly.  Then the next major change occurred.  I received a call from my job while on my winter vacation and was told I was being let go.  At first my ego was hurt and I was embarrassed, but then I thought “This is going to be great!”  I would take time to decorate the newly finished addition, I could be there for all the kids, I could be a better partner and enjoy myself more and be there for jolly guy in a way I couldn’t be while working. After receiving the call I stopped at my girlfriends and she said “You are the luckiest girl in the world!” I didn’t feel like that, but I knew everything happens for a reason so I knew we’d be ok. I called to let jolly guy know and his first question was “What are we going to do about money?”  I assured him we would be fine.  I would get unemployment, I was getting my last two weeks vacation, I would be getting my tax return soon, it would all be ok.  I had no doubt.  The thing I have always been good at doing it living on very simple means.  I didn’t need much to be happy; my kids, wine and the man I love.  Really….is that too much to ask for? I became holly homemaker and although it’s not my thing I think I was doing a pretty good job of it.  One night I had made a delicious dinner that had been cooking all day….as I have mentioned before I love food more than my kids, so for jolly guy to walk in the house and the first thing he says is “Does that have mushrooms in it?”  With a face of dread and disgust really hurts my feelings.  Maybe other people don’t get upset at things like that, but food is my love language.  If I make you food, if I go out of my way, if I pick out things I think you will like and go to the trouble, you damn well better eat it and at least be thankful.  You don’t have to like it, but honestly.  My daughter flew to my defense that night “Jesus jolly guy, you’re such a douche, you know she took all day to make this for everyone, the least you could do is be grateful. You know how she is with food.”  You know how she is with food…….that sounded so stupid and yet so accurate.  That’s the night that the dynamic in the house changed. My children changed their opinion of him that night.  Over food sounds stupid right?  That’s how in tuned my kids are to me.  How come my kids were but jolly guy wasn’t?

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