Sea Air

I guess as the saying goes, you can move your location, but your troubles always follow you.  We were on our way to the shore and I have to say I was skeptical, but optimistic.  I was super excited to spend a few days just with jolly guy because in my bones, no matter what we had been through over the time we were together, I believed we had what it took to make it all the way.  We were in therapy and although he was reluctant to open up, I think it was a good starting point for us.  I was going to make a concerted effort not to bring up anything heavy.  This trip was about enjoying one another.  Just relaxing and having fun.  Learning to just be with each other.  To look at each other in a way that we hadn’t done in a while.  We arrived at the shore and the mood was light and we were eager to get to the hotel.  I knew he would have sparred no expense to take me to the best places, even if he couldn’t afford it, and I was going to try to be mindful of not taking advantage of that.  I have a giant problem for living outside our means.  I actually have a giant issue for anyone who lives outsides their means.  I think life can be celebrated in the tiny things, in the small things, in the things that are intangible and I didn’t need all the hoopla around fancy hotels and restaurants, but I know it made he feel good about himself to be able to provide something on the expensive side.  We stopped at a quiet town on the way to the shore and walked the shops, holding hands and stopping to kiss.  I’m not sure what it is about the sea air that just lets all your troubles fade away.  To breathe it in, put your feet in the sand and just look into the vastness of the ocean can make you feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself.  Those are the things in life that mattered most to me.  During this time, I was too busy trying so hard to do everything and be the perfect whatever he needed that I knew I was beginning to lose myself.  This trip was a time to try to regain a piece of me, a piece of us that would reconnect us.  We arrived at the hotel, checked in and walked into what was a beautiful room.  After jolly guy was done playing with all the buttons, opening and closing the blinds electronically and seeing how cool the shower heads were, we hopped into bed.  At first I thought he was going to take a nap as he laid there still with his eyes closed.  I did not come on this trip so he could sleep.  I knew over the past few weeks that he wasn’t sleeping well.  He wasn’t feeling great and I urged him numerous times to go see a doctor.  He refused.  So for a little while I just laid there next to him saying nothing.  He leaned over and consumed me in his giant arms and I felt safe and loved and wanted.  It was a great way to start off the weekend together.  Sex I know is not love, unless you’re a sixteen year old girl, but somehow it has healing powers that seem to have the rest of the world melt away.I was enveloped in him and it was awesome.  We finished our sexual escapade and showered and got ready to go eat.  We went downstairs to the bar and had some drinks, played a few rounds at a table to gamble a bit and headed off to dinner.  The day and night felt magical.  We laughed and held hands and kissed every few minutes.  I knew this wasn’t the way we could be all the time, but why not?  Why couldn’t we be these people in our everyday lives?  We could still manage our jobs, the kids, the house, our lives and make time to love one another couldn’t we?  How come all too often the first thing that goes in life is showing your partner you love them?  This mini vacation was awesome, but I couldn’t help but wonder how long this feeling would last.  Much to my dismay, a lot shorted than I had hoped.

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