Finding your Voice


After explaining the nights events to her she suggested she call Jolly Guy and ask for him to come in and the two of us could sit down with her as our mediator.  She called him and he agreed to meet.  I had to prioritize the list of things we were to discuss and the very first thing on the list was of course, money.  I had invested more than my share into the house, the bills, the kids and us, to turn around and not be able to even get a $20 bill out of the bank.  Our therapist was a divorce mediator and advised that the first thing we do is come to an agreement should things not work out. I would get a percentage of what I put in back so that I could effectively find somewhere to live and take care of my kids while looking for a job.  Jolly guy was outraged at this request.  He was unwilling to agree to anything.  She suggested we write-up a contract of sorts to be notarized and that would be payable to me upon leaving.  He again was outraged and with venom told me that nothing was, in fact, mine.  That the money I put in was out of the goodness of my heart and he did not in fact owe me anything in return.  I was livid, but kept silent which wasn’t like me.  We went over line items of monies I gave including the money I dropped to bring all  the bills up to current when I first moved in.  He agreed with each and every line item, that I paid that money, but would not agree to give me anything back.  He got so upset that he ended up walking out.  I sat there in the chair almost numb as the therapist went after him.  She talked him back into the room and we began again except this time we went to the heart of the issue.  I asked “How could you throw us out in the middle of the night?”  He had no answer other than “I was mad”  The session ended and we were nowhere even close to a resolution.  She asked that we return the next day and he said “I’ll let you know”  I went back to my parents and he went back to HIS house and I didn’t hear from him for three days.  I did however see him out on his boat, having friends over HIS house and enjoying his alone time.  Meanwhile, I was penniless living out of the back of my car at my parents house while my mother was in the hospital having surgery. This whole thing was messed up.  How could he have time to go out and have fun knowing my kids and I had essentially nothing.  I felt like throwing up over those few days.  I went to see the therapist almost every day.  She never said “You should leave” but I felt in my head that she was willing for me to say something along the lines of “I’m not going back”  Realistically where was I going to go with no money, no job, two kids and five animals?  He called that following Monday, I’m assuming after enjoying his girlfriend free weekend and we returned to therapy. We went every single day for a week and each time it felt as if we were getting no closer to a resolution.   Finally on the last appointment I said the following “I love you jolly Guy, but I can’t do this anymore.  I wish you nothing but happiness and I think we had a love that would have made the world stop in its tracks, his this is too much and too dysfunctional and no longer healthy for anyone.  I think it’s best if we leave here tonight and go our separate ways”  After a few moments of silence the therapist spoke next “Jolly Guy, did you hear what she just said?  I want to date her right now that was so beautiful.  If you don’t want to lose her, now is your chance to say something, anything, but you have to speak up”  Again silence.  Then he finally spoke.

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