Accountability

Sparks Fly

Somewhere in late September Spark guy and I were still having our weekly lunches and I knew it had to stop.  The sexual tension between the two of us was palpable and I was playing with fire.  We had begun seeing each other one night a week for no other reason then to see each other’s faces.  No kissing, no inappropriate activity, but if it continued it would be a matter of time before we fell into a mess.  It was a Sunday morning and he asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast.  I agreed, but for a very different reason than he thought.  I was going to tell him that this whatever you called it was going to have to end.  The conversations that lasted hours about philosophy, life, authors, business, love, relationships.  The weekly lunches where we met under the guise of “friends” was harmful to both of us. I was too newly scorned looking for someone to take care of me, to connect with on more than the “let’s go for a drink” sort of thing.  Spark guy had it all…..except he also had a wife.  Albeit, maybe not a great marriage, but still, a wife.

Lord knows even in the worst of being a wife the last thing you want is your husband going to lunch with another woman.  The other woman.  I knew Spark guy had feelings for me.  I knew it fromflam the first minute we met, even if he didn’t.  I knew that I was somehow going to impact his life whether that be good or bad and I needed it to be for good.  Time to use my powers of persuasion in a way that actually is the right thing to do. Shortly before I arrived at the diner I sent him a song.  A song that was very meaningful to me and described how I felt about him.  Most of the lyrics resided around letting me go.  To which he wanted no part, but then again, it wasn’t really up to him.  In another time, another place, another me, I could be in love with this man  I mean I love him, he has become a huge part of me, but in love.  And that wasn’t about to happen this way.  Having him be upset with me, but still respect me was more important than possibly hooking up and feeling ashamed and resentful afterwards.

I arrived at the diner and he did not want to go inside so I got in his car.  He was visibly upset before I even said anything.  I tried to speak and he cut me off.  He began with this “I have never met a woman like you.”  I got that a lot.  He went on “You have awakened things in me that I thought were dead.  How you view the world, the things you’ve been through and how you have persevered.  I have the utmost respect for you.  You are right.  You are not anyone’s “other” woman.  So even though it is killing me to say it, I agree that I have to let this go.  Whatever this is”  His words were poignant and beautiful and I had a greater respect for him at that moment.  Then I spoke “Timing is everything.  I am not who you need me to be and neither are you.  Be married, stay married, do whatever you can to hold on to what you have, but if you don’t want that, then leave for no other reason than it is right for you.  Maybe in time we will be proud of ourselves and a friendship will last us a lifetime.”  With that I said goodbye.  I got out of the car, I began to walk away when I saw him get out of the car.  In very dramatic fashion, I turned back and approached him with a hug, got in my car and drove off.  Except this time I felt good about this decision. I knew it wasn’t goodbye.

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