At first my focus on being a better me and just enjoying my life was a conscious effort. I had to remind myself it was ok to be alone, I was doing fine and all would be right with the world soon. Then over a few weeks, every once in a while my friends would talk about guys; dating this one, sleeping with that one and I would stop for a second and take my barometer. Was I getting anxious to have a man? No. Was I uncomfortable talking about men? No. It was surprising to me as I’ve always wanted or what I thought; needed a man. Right now. It wasn’t about them. It was about me.
I’m sure it sounds rather pathetic that in over forty years the thought, the longing, the strive for a relationship that lasts was my number one goal. And I had lots of other goals as well, but I was determined to make a relationship work. What I didn’t know all those years, was that I didn’t even know how I worked. I wasn’t in tuned with all those little voices in your head that tell you right from wrong. I mean, I heard them, but over and over again I thought I knew better. I didn’t need to listen to my gut, I would just override it and do what my brain thought was right. There is something to be said about guts.
I was noticing in me it was no longer the little voice or devil on my shoulder that I was listening to, but that I could actually feel vibrations. People gave them off just like places and things. I could feel if something wasn’t sitting right with me. I could feel the uneasiness that a person or place would give me and I started to pay attention to it. If someone was making me feel uncomfortable, I would leave or make my way to somewhere else. If a place had me feeling icky for lack of a better word, I would not stay long. I also noticed that the more I listened to all that was going on in and around me the more free I felt. The more positive I was, the more intolerable negativity began to be in my life of any kind.
I couldn’t handle the constant complaints of co-workers or my children or the whole “life’s not fair” scenario. It was no longer acceptable. I was no longer sitting on the sidelines of my own intuition, but I was harnessing it and applying it to my every day life. It felt like all of a sudden the entire world came alive, I came alive. I wasn’t dancing on rain drops and having rainbows shoot out of my ears, I was living. Living a life that all of a sudden felt right. All of a sudden felt like I was, what’s that word? Happy. Happy with myself, happy with where I’d been and how far I’d come. I was happy that every day proved to be another adventure and instead of each day hitting me in the face with another disaster, it was allowing me the opportunity to accept it, see it and experience it. I loved it. I saw things differently. Much like when I did the perspective chart a few months back. The sun was brighter, the sky was bluer and I was vibrating a sense of self that I hadn’t had before.
It wasn’t yell at the top of the mountain I am woman or anything, but quietly, subtly, changing every day. Making memories and being on a path of happiness and relaxation and taking it all in was number one on my list. I was no longer a part of this world from the sideline of disaster. I was living the life I had always wanted. And I got here all by myself. Well, with the help of my family, friends and a very good therapist. It takes a village. And now each day, I would resonate even more positivity into the universe and I would not only hope but expect that it would come back to me. Karma works both ways you know!