During these few months that I finally felt a change within me, I finally felt a switch in how I acted, how I thought and who I was, there was still this underlying trepidation amongst my friends and family and especially my children. I could see the change and feel it. I wasn’t the same person from the year before. I wasn’t even the same person from the month or day before. I was ever-changing. I was growing into myself. I was becoming who I knew I wanted to be and with that, I had to realize that not everyone around me was changing too.
I constantly felt as if no one believed the change that was occurring in me. I was still insecure in the fact that I felt as if I somehow had to prove to them it was happening. It was hurtful to think they couldn’t see it happening. But no one likes change. Except me. I love it. The change of days, the change of seasons and the change in me. This was something to behold as far as I was concerned, but not everyone felt the same way. Sometimes when you are changing and growing and the people you care about the most aren’t it begins to weigh on you. You realize that some of the behavior that has gone on that has been allowed is no longer acceptable. I knew that there were things I could no longer tolerate and not because I was becoming some badass, but because I was now realizing my self-worth and it didn’t have to be measured against what anyone else thought of me.
I hadn’t experienced this before. I knew at times in my life that there were things that weren’t working for me, people who I would outgrow, men that were not moving forward with me, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to get those around me on board with my new epiphany of growth. I thought it would be something they welcomed, something they could finally feel at peace with that I would be ok. But that wasn’t necessarily the case. My children specifically thought that it was a phase. That at some point I would rush into some relationship with another guy that is the same as all the other guys and that I would somehow end up hurt again. What I didn’t understand is if they could see how different I was from inside my head they wouldn’t worry about me like that anymore.
Has that ever happened to you? Where you wish someone could get inside your head and see the world as you see it? See them as you see them? It would make them understand you better, see where you are coming from and that you aren’t exactly as crazy as they think you are. But that couldn’t happen. And what I needed to do was not trying to shove my changes down their throats, but that over time and through watching my actions they would see that this is real. This is in fact not a phase, but that new and improved me. The new me that takes stock in myself, the new me that believes I can do anything, the new me that isn’t going to settle for less than I deserved. My only regret is that I took me so long to realize what an amazing woman I am. Not just for what I’ve been through and what I’ve endured, but because I feel it inside. I was no longer just putting on paper what I thought about myself, but I was actually believing it.
There in lies the difference. That’s the minute I wish they could see inside my brain, my heart and know that no matter what this life I am leading is now different. It has now changed for the better. They may not want to change with me and they don’t have to, but they can’t stand in my way or outwardly doubt me. There is no more time for that. Life is moving at a rapid pace and I’m on board. I’m on board with myself and knowing that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. I am moving forward and at some point in time, I am going to meet a man. I am going to date again. And when I do, he actually is going to be meeting someone who no one else has ever met. She’s even new to me! God, how lucky is THAT guy gonna be!!!