So Much It Scares Me

That night after all was said and done, after the emotions had been had, after tears had dried, Dimples and I went back to his house. We laid in bed and talked for a while. We had both had a bit to drink and were going through the days events. We made love that night like no other time in our relationship. Maybe as if to hold on to what we had, maybe as if to feel alive or maybe because we had too much to drink. Whatever the motive, the feeling was genuine and real and it came through in our expression of love to each other.

We laid there afterwards in silence until he spoke. He spoke softly and with conviction; “I love you. I feel so much for you it scares me. I can’t imagine you ever leaving me.” The words were beautiful and heartfelt and I knew he wasn’t joking. He was completely serious and I felt it. I asked him why it scared him. I wasn’t sure why feeling so loved and so warm and safe would make someone nervous, but it did. He went on to tell me that he had never been with someone like me. What exactly is someone like me I thought. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think I’m fantastic, but to hear someone say “someone like you” kind of has a ring to it that does make me a bit nervous. Makes me feel like I have to live up to something. Al I knew was how to be me.

I was just me. I was attractive, intelligent, funny, outgoing, semi complicated, I knew I had depth to me, I was independent and stubborn, I was kind hearted and giving. I was a lot of things in my head, but what was he referring to was what I wanted to know. He said he had never been with someone who he could be so himself with, that made him feel so loved. Someone who stood by his side proudly. I knew those words were not easy for him to say and that made them that much more special to me. I was never leaving this man. I was never going to do anything to have him leave me. We were meant to be together and there was going to be nothing, come hell or high water, that would keep me away from his love and from me loving him. We deserved this. He deserved to feel safe and warm and loved. I deserved to be told that I was someone he could never imagine being without. We were going to do this right and not be another statistic of failed relationships. We had what it took and I knew it in my bones.

And somehow, when he said the words out loud “So much it scares me” Now I realized….I was scared too.

So Much

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