Love

In or Out

I finished work and headed over to Dimples’ house to have the dreaded “talk”.  I wasn’t looking forward to it and I was actually dreading it a bit. Not necessarily because I was sad it was going to be our last talk, but because I just didn’t want to do this again.  I hated endings.  I loved beginnings.  Beginnings are so much better than endings.  Yes, I know, you can’t have a beginning without first having an ending of sorts, but still.  It was two days before Christmas and I had such hopes and plans for Dimples and I for this holiday together.  I guess I was more disappointed than anything else.

I arrived at his house, went inside and sat at the kitchen bar where we had had quite a few talks over the last few weeks.  He poured me a glass of wine and then began.  We rehashed everything that happened over the past few days, the silence, the misunderstanding, how he felt, how I felt.  It was exhausting.  I was matter of fact and not as emotional as I thought I would be.  I was ready, I was bracing myself for what he was about to say, when I realized it really wasn’t about what he was going to say.  This conversation was about what I needed to say.  How I was feeling.  Enough with listening and understanding and seeing his point of view.  This was the time for me to say anything and everything I wanted/needed to say.  So I did.

I explained that I was tired.  I tried to communicate my wants and needs and how I felt he was falling short in reciprocating efforts.  That to me he had became a constant riddle, like a rubix cube and every turn got me closer or father away from where I wanted to be.  It had been a few weeks now of constant ups and downs with him.  It was like an emotional roller coaster and I wanted to get off.  I didn’t deserve to be treated this way, I didn’t deserve to be ignored or pushed away or disrespected.  I had done nothing to warrant this type of behavior and it was unfair and didn’t feel good.  So I told him that.  I explained that if he no longer loved me than say so, I was a big girl and I could take it, but this constant trying to figure him out was getting tiresome.

I then told him that if he wanted to be with me, it was all in or nothing at all.  I’m not a halfway, half ass kind of girl.  I never have been and I probably never will be.  I gave everything I had to those I cared about and I had spent way too many years accepting less and it would end right now.  So….I asked….”Are you in or out?”

In or Out

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7 thoughts on “In or Out

  1. I’m with you– life is too short to be half-assed about it. I enjoy your posts and the glimpses into your life they offer. All the best to you, Allison. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You did the right thing laying it out there and expecting what you deserve. I hope he steps up his game and if not you can do better. Never settle for less than you deserve!

    Liked by 1 person

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