This was it. It was make or break time. I woke up very late out of my emotional aftermath and realized it was way past normal coffee time and I dragged myself out of bed. I glided listlessly into the kitchen and put the pot on and took out the dogs. I was replaying the night’s events in my head over and over and realized I needed coffee before I could think clearly. I grabbed my cup filled to the brim and headed back into the bedroom. I refrained from immediately texting Dimples cause I knew during the day he would be busy. We went over our schedules at least a hundred times every week so I knew that today, Sunday, he would be busy until 4ish. This gave me time to gather my thoughts.
I got back into bed with my coffee in one hand and ecig in the other and just stared off into space for a bit. I was groggy and a bit dazed and realized now that I began to have a headache that I must have drunk more than my share the night before. I was trying to pinpoint where it all went bad. I was trying to get my finger right on the pulse of what it was I did that makes him SO mad at me. I don’t think I suck. Honesty I don’t. However I also don’t think I’m perfect. I think I’m awesome, but not perfect. So although I don’t take all the blame in any situation, I do take blame for my part in things. Both good and bad. So I was trying to see where it was exactly that I acted like an ass and then I would backtrack my way from there and have a plan for when we talked later that day.
Once I figured that I set him off by saying I didn’t think he loved me, I realized those words were my own insecurities. He was showing me, telling me but I still was having a hard time believing it. So I decided I would wait out the day at my girlfriend’s house. I asked for her sound advice as to how to approach this conversation and try to gain some perspective into myself so as to not accuse, but to try to understand. I got myself out of bed, dressed and into the car. I arrived at her house and instantly knew I was exhausted and I laid down on her couch. We watched some shows and chatted the afternoon away and it really helped.
I knew what I was going to say. I would start with “can we talk” that’s always a good place to start. From there I would do a lot of the talking because I talk a lot and he’s usually quite quiet when it comes to these types of communications. We will go over the details, we will figure out a happy medium and we will be back on our way to being right side up instead of upside down. As the afternoon progressed I started to get a very uncomfortable feeling. I’m not psychic by any means, but my “feelings” tend to try to tell me something. I started to get the hot sensation of anxiety down my arms. Something bad was coming and it was coming soon. I looked up at my girlfriend and said “He’s going to break up with me today.” She looked at me and without skipping a beat said “You’re crazy, no he’s not.” I repeated again “He’s going to break up with me today, I can feel it.” Again she shrugged me off and said I was being paranoid. She reminded me he loved me and that this too shall pass.
After she said that I looked up at the clock. It was a few minutes after 4. I looked down at my phone, thought to myself I will wait ten more minutes and text him. As I looked up from my phone I heard it “ding” I looked down at it and I could feel the air in the room thin and my eyes start to tear and my face flush with embarrassment. It was Dimples and the text was a beak up text…..I looked at my girlfriend and said “I told you he was going to break up with me today, I just didn’t think it’d be like this.”