I know you are tired and weary. I know that life has not been everything you had hoped or wished, for you or for those you have loved and currently love. Life is tough. I should have been more forthcoming with that information many years ago. I should have let you know that life will give you the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and the best you can hope for is the days that are steady and uneventful. I should have told you the amount of tears you would shed at the hands of someone else. I should have told you that you would mourn loved ones both alive and passed. I should have been more open and honest with you and for that I am sorry. I didn’t want any of that to ever take away from all the smiles you would have, the belly laughs you would experience and the joys that would surely come your way.
I am sorry from the depths of my soul for putting you to the side so many times for others that didn’t deserve it. I am sorry for not putting us first. Making sure we were ok. Life seemed to have gotten away from me as often happens and you were not taken care of as you should have been. In our early days we were reckless and threw caution to the wind, we have paid for that behavior ten times over, but boy did we have fun huh? I apologize for letting our heart take over quite a few times. She is a hopeless romantic and as we both know sometimes there’s no stopping her. She thinks she knows everything, but we now know better in our later years.
I am sorry for the feelings of self-doubt you’ve experienced. You are an amazing person and I should have been strong enough all those times I let the negative talk in our head take over. We don’t deserve that. I should have stuck up for us and reminded our head that we aren’t going to stand by and allow it to hold us back, I should have been stronger for both of us and I apologize. I am sorry I didn’t take better care of our health. They always said it’s the most important thing and I didn’t listen. I allowed us to get sick, injured, hurt, cut open and all because I again didn’t listen to the wise words of those that came before me. For that, I apologize.
I am sorry for that time I thought it was a good idea to let our 3-year-old pick out our hair color. Bad move on my part. My bad. But just think, 17 years later and she’s a bona-fide hair stylist, so our pain was not in vain. I know there are so many things I owe you an apology for; our temper, our innate ability to speak before thinking, any of the times I thought making a casserole was a good idea, people we gave our heart to that didn’t deserve it, people we left too soon because we were too afraid to stay and love then the possibility of being hurt, that we ever started smoking, that we don’t wear dresses more often, that sun in ever existed, that time I made us wear wool in 90 degree weather cause I thought the outfit was cool, when I moved us to places unbecoming of us, when I didn’t let you be yourself, when I tried for us to be what other’s wanted us to be, when I was quiet when I should have spoken up, when I should have shut my mouth when I should have been quiet, those pink pants….you know the ones.
All I can do is ask that you hold on. Hold on to who you know we are. Hold on to that feeling down deep in our gut that says we are fine just the way we are. We will grow together, we will get better, we will fail, but we will trust each other. You have never stopped believing in me and now it’s time I believed in us too.
So please accept my humblest of apologies.
One thought on “An Apology To My Self”
Beautifully written. At least you have LIVED!
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