I knew Dimples wasn’t saying what he thought he was saying. I figured he was trying to say something completely different and his words were getting jumbled. I was being kicked when I was down. It all felt so surreal. How could this man, the one I had given so much to, the one I opened my heart to and let in, the one that had given me so much to look forward to was now telling me that he couldn’t be happy with who I was, with how I acted, with what I said. It didn’t make any sense to me. I had the rug ripped out from under me and now on top of my heart being ripped out of my chest I was being told that if I changed this list of things, then, and only then, could he be happy with me? How was this possible? How could he be this new person? Where did the guy that made my world light up go?
I simply responded with “I’m not sure you are saying what you think you are saying” He continued with emailing me, trying to explain his request. Telling me that maybe we could just date, maybe we could start over, maybe we could go back. Go back? Go back to what? I was hopelessly in love with this man, flaws and all and was willing to go to the ends of the earth for him and he wanted to pull it back? Reel it back in? For me to just be his date? No, this wasn’t right. Something had to have happened for him to be doing this. We were so close to perfect, yes we had issues, everyone does. Yes we had ups and downs, everyone does, but how could he be throwing away all we had built together in the past few months? How could he just give up on us? How could he no longer want me in his life the way we had planned? He went from full court press to have me be his and his alone, to this guy who seemed to not know what the hell he was doing and it was killing me.
I asked if he wanted to get together to talk again. I asked to see him, but he declined. He told me that he said everything he needed to and that talking wasn’t going to change anything. He told me to forget he ever contacted me and that he was sorry he ever mentioned what he said. That it wasn’t coming out right and he was making it worse. He told me I would not hear from him again and he would leave me alone. Alone. That seems to be always where I end up. I didn’t want him to leave me alone. I didn’t want him to stop talking to me. I knew once he said that he meant it. I knew this was it. I had officially lost him and I had no idea how or why or what the hell happened to bring this all on. 8 days ago he had told me he wanted to be a better man. He told me I was his everything. He told me he never loved anyone like he loved me, then why was he leaving me? Why wasn’t he sure? Why couldn’t he see the unconditional love I was offering?
Then the email went silent. There were no more words. It was officially over. And my heart broke all over again. All the dreams and plans and hopes that I had put into this relationship were ripped away. I was completely empty. I was numb. I was totally and completely dumbfounded. I stared at the computer screen waiting for him to say he was wrong, that he couldn’t live without me, that he made a mistake, that he was just scared and that he needed me to remind him of what we had. That email didn’t come. And again….I was alone. And it hurt deeper than any wound could ever make me feel. My soul ached for him. Everything on my ached for him. I didn’t know if it would ever stop.