I have been divorced from the father of my children the better part of sixteen years. In the beginning when we were first divorced I was like a lot of woman and could not stomach the sight of him. Our divorce was not messy or long by any means, but I was young and hurt and became very bitter. We were only married for four years, but only lived together as husband and wife for two years. I take my part of the blame for the demise of my marriage, I know that at the time if I were him I would not have wanted to come home to me, but I also do not condone going outside the marriage. He did not show up to our divorce hearing, I got the kids and the good china and that’s about it. Of course getting full custody of my children was very important, but more importantly I left that relationship with my sanity. I will never understand staying married and miserable, but I digress.
He had a myriad of girlfriends through the years and even another wife (which my kids and I liked very much) We had a tumultuous time at the start with child support and visitation and him living a few states away. We went to court numbers of times and then one day it all of a sudden seemed to just be easier. I’m not sure if it was because the emotional charge was gone or that we both just gave up the fight. I’m hoping that it was age and time and growth, but I can’t be sure. Whatever the reason, he is one of my closest friends. He is an idiot, don’t get me wrong, but he’s not malicious. He and I have both done damage to our kids, but we never stood in the way of the other one finding love. I have had him and his girlfriends or wives come to my house and even stay over for the weekend to see the kids. It almost felt like I was running a bed and breakfast for a few years. They would arrive, hang out with the kids and I would disappear until it was time to eat or get ready for bed so they could have alone time without me hovering around.
I still call his mother on holidays and talk with my nieces on his side of the family because for me, no matter what, we are family. A few years into us being divorced he would tell me that he screwed up, would always love me and that one day I would get back together with him. Over the course of the last fifteen years we have become great friends and almost every time he speaks to me he asks if I’m ready to take him back. The answer is always no, but he asks, every, time. Over the years we tried twice to get back together, but it didn’t work out. We are just so much better as friends. When we are together we operate in sync with our kids. I have raised them primarily on my own for fifteen years and he respects the fact that I make the decisions and even if he doesn’t agree with them, tough. Being divorced is no fun, I’ve heard horror stories, but mine was easier than finding a great fitting pair of jeans. 18 months and $900 and voila.
I make light of it now because it was so many moons ago, but don’t get me wrong; it changed me. It hardened me for a bit, he made me trust less, it made me cautious and scared, but it didn’t break me. So far, from what I can see, nothing can break me unless I let it. Divorce is something that happened to me, it isn’t who I am.
PS – This is just a post on my first divorce 🙂