Coming of Age

I decided rather quickly that being a star on Broadway was not what my life should be and I needed to, had to, couldn’t live without going back to College in WV.  I missed my friends, my apartment, my job, and mostly the quiet.  For anyone who has ever lived in NYC, although it is totally the place in which I want to retire, it is so loud.  All the time. So I pack my things in my Red Nissan Sentra and I headed back. I get an apartment, get my job back at the restaurant and decide I will go back to school for the spring semester. So It’s roughly October and here’s where things changed forever.  I spent a lot of my formative years enjoying myself.  I was on a fast track to nowhere with drinking, sleeping, sex and fun.  Sounds like life was great right?  What else could I want?  I had my independence, I had my friends, I had my looks, I had my bright eyes and long hair and smooth skin and white-toothed smile, I had no stretch marks, no bags under my eyes and no real obligation to anyone other than myself.  Boy was all that about to change.  I was assistant manager the day he walked in. I can see him clear as day; red and white gingham button down shirt, khakis and a smile from ear to ear. He walked in and asked to speak to a manager about a job. The women in the kitchen could hardly contain their enthusiasm for such a handsome man walking in and wanting to work with us. I approached confidently as to not make any sudden moves or lunge at him for a kiss. He was handsome, so very very handsome. He was not all that tall, but built with strong hands. He had bright eyes and a big warm smile, he seemed a bit timid and even dare I say bashful. I tried desperately not to flirt with him especially since I was interviewing him for a job and that would just be wrong. I knew he could feel my rising excitement as I said “See you bright and early tomorrow” At that moment I knew this man and I would be something, at that moment I knew that all my other past relationships could hit the road and would pale in comparison to the love affair that was about to take place.   How did I know?  The saying that you just “know” was running in my head.  This feeling I had, it was what all the fairy tales were talking about.  It was about to put my ship on the right course.  How could I so desperately need a relationship to feel whole, to feel worth it, to feel like I’ve accomplished anything?  Why didn’t I know that being me was good enough, my accomplishments were to be treasured, my fears, my angst, my everything did not necessarily need a man to make it all worth while.  What I knew at that moment was I felt alive.  What I knew at that moment was that I deserved to be happy.  What I knew in that split second was that something in me tingled from the bottom depths of my inner being.  What I really knew…..was nothing.



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