I was always a sickly child. I used to think that maybe I was some kind of anomaly working with forces from the 1800’s to bring back illness of a forgotten time. I had my first surgery in sixth grade and every year after that spent at least one week in the hospital. My friends would get a cold and I’d get pleurisy, my friends would get mono and I’d get Cytomegalo Virus that mimics Spinal Menegitis. I’ve had ovarian cysts, an appendectomy, my septum redone, knee surgery twice, kidney stones, two spinal surgeries and a myriad of other ailments that no normal person gets in their lifetime. I’m prone to pneumonia, I’m a delicate flower and I sometimes think I’m made of glass. I was convinced during my early twenties that after so many issues with my reproductive system that having kids would definitely not be in my future. I was so convinced that it never dawned on me the possibility that A) I was in fact not a doctor and did not have any medical training to come to such a conclusion and 2) that no one had ever said that I couldn’t have kids. I became comfortable with doctors of all kinds poking and prodding and inspecting all facets of my being and every cavity that appears on my body. When I had my appendix out, they found out once they were inside me that it wasn’t my appendix at all, but rather a virus in the glands behind my appendix causing all the problems. At 21 I was on a home intravenous for what at the time they thought was uterine cancer. I had to give myself injections six times a day and walk around with an open port in my arm. It was rotten to say the least, but thankfully, after many many tests while at the doctor’s office, I was told that I in fact did not have uterine cancer, but that they would like to put me on another medication to fight whatever it was that was eating my insides. Then it came….the question….”Any possibility you are pregnant?” Uh….no. I can’t be pregnant cause I can’t get pregnant! “You can’t take this medicine if you are pregnant.” Again I repeat more vehemently….”NO, I am not pregnant!” So while I waited for the test to come back I went outside and smoked a cigarette. I had no fear. I had no reason to be nervous. I could not be pregnant. I could not get pregnant. Soon the doctor would realize that my medical training was not to be taken lightly and I in fact did not only play a doctor on TV, but in my real life. That was the last cigarette I had. Apparently you really need to go to medical school to be a doctor and I had not had the training or experience to actually make any type of diagnosis. Those words will ring in my head for the rest of my life…”You’re pregnant.” “YOU’RE PREGNANT” WHAT?! HOW?! Don’t worry, I knew how, but really? There are certain moments in your life that change you forever, this was one of those moments. How was I going to tell my parents? What would people think? What about school? I could barely take care of myself, get myself out of bed without rolling over to have a cigarette, get myself to class how on earth was I going to take care of a baby? Maybe it was a false positive, I’ve heard of that happening, maybe they were wrong. I asked them to do the test again. Again they said the words “You are pregnant” They say when you become a parent or when you have kids everything changes. I’m not sure if you actually have to have a kid for your life to change. In a moment, in a split second, life as you know it is no longer what it once was. I knew at that moment that I could be a mom, what I didn’t know is if I could spend the rest of my life with this child’s father. Most people fall in love, get married, then have kids….my life was happening all out of order. Strangely enough I found myself in the most unexpected relationship of my life, that came at the most unexpected time and when I look back now I realize that all the best love affairs happen that way don’t they? When you aren’t looking for it? When you aren’t expecting it? Life happens. What I didn’t realize was that I had been searching for someone I could save, someone I could help, someone I could love unconditionally. It’s all in perception isn’t it? I got exactly what I had asked for, difference is…I didn’t save her….she saved me.
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I remember how the words “You are pregnant” change your life in a second 🙂
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