Change

Chains

My quest for my perfect mate had come to a screeching halt. There was no way I could focus. I hooked up with dreads here and there but everything was so serious. My life had gotten ridiculously serious. Between my job, the kids, the bills, the doctors and dreads there was nowhere to turn for fun or release. This went on for what felt like a lifetime. When was I going to stop surviving and start living? I felt like time was quickly running out for me. Seriously what would my online profile say now: “single mother of two very difficult yet beautiful teenage girls, workaholic, divorced twice woman seeking someone to save her” didn’t bode well for me. It was not like I didn’t meet men, I met lots of them but obviously my picker was “off” I mean honestly…how many men was I going to date before I got it right? And what exactly is right you ask? Well, someone who let’s me run free, but wants to hold me close, someone who can keep up with my quick wit and intelligence and can be sarcastic as well as be able to have a conversation about something other than themselves, someone who I had some common interests with, you don’t have to love broadway, but you do have to love that I love it. Someone who wanted to have sex on an intimate level as well as a quickie here and there. Someone who loves my cooking and enjoys the importance of gathering around a table. Someone whom I could take care of emotionally, physically and spiritually without having to fix them. Someone who wanted to grow and morph themselves into something better just because life constantly changes and they are adaptable. Someone who respected my views, my beliefs, my traditions, my moral fiber. Someone who would love me unconditionally warts and all. Someone I could be just me with and know that being me was enough. But was it? Was being the me I was right now enough for anyone? Cause it really felt like the me I was right during this time wasn’t even enough for me let alone someone else. I wanted it all. Career, family, passion, love….ALL. Not some, not all the time, but I deserved it. And if I had the chance I was going to break free from my own chains and go full force, all in. I was going to take a no holds barred approach and there would be no looking back. Or so I thought.

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