Normalcy

Diversion

  • The school year was about to end and I could barely believe we made it through. I was so tired. Tired as in, ready to give up. Nothing I seemed to do was helping my kids and certainly nothing I did was helping me. I was just getting by, just keeping my head afloat. Every movement, every gesture, every thought was of extreme effort and my inner being was completely drained. It’s always peculiar to me how the mind and body can be at it’s end and yet you push through. I didn’t really have a choice did I? What was I going to do? Curl up in the fetal position and hide under my covers? Run away? I was a mom. There were no choice in my head to give up although many many a night I wished I could. I was lacking motivation, I was losing faith, I was scared, I was tired and I was alone. I didn’t even have energy to feel sorry for myself or my kids. I was just numb. And I knew that if I went under, if I stopped, if I quit even for a day that life as I know it would come to a stop. So…I went on. My girlfriends came over one night and as we sat talking on my porch and laughing they mentioned I needed a diversion. Something to keep my mind in a better place. Something or someone that could raise my spirits even a tiny bit. So they suggested I go back online and see if I could at least find someone to talk to. I thought about it for a few days. It didn’t feel right. How was I going to talk to a guy and leave out all that was happening with my kids and my life. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a bad liar. Mostly cause I’m blatantly honest and if/when I try to lie it’s all over my face. As I’ve mentioned my face tells the tales of my life, it used to be in expression but now it was in lines and wrinkles. Either way if I told someone they’d go running rightfully so, if I didn’t I felt I wasn’t being fair. My friends explained you’re not looking for a husband but maybe just someone to keep your mind otherwise occupied. So a few nights later I was sitting at the computer and found a free site and began to write my intro. I explained how I love to laugh, how funny I think I am, that I love food more then my children, that I believe the grocery store is the land of possibilities, how I was in fact a working single mom of two and that it had been the circle of three for many years. I made a few jokes about how bad I am at relationships, how I make a beautiful bride and how I’m much better at leaving then staying. So I chose a few pictures that actually looked like me and then I sat and stared at the computer screen. Really? I’m really going to post this? Seriously who’s gonna want to send me a note? I didn’t feel funny or pretty or clever at all. I felt…well…I felt…unlovable. And as the saying goes if you don’t love yourself how can you love someone else? I hit send and went to bed. Thinking I’d wake up to nothing more then middle aged men saying less then impressive things that would only make me feel worse. Does this stuff really work? Does anyone ever really find someone? I had to constantly remind myself I was looking for a diversion not a relationship. 
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