As we pulled away from the bar I knew this wasn’t going to be good.  I managed to give him my address and thankfully he was able to put it in the GPS because I would have not been able to explain the directions to my house.  After just a few minutes in the car I asked him to please pull over as I could feel the juices churning in my stomach and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  He pulled the car to the side of the road and I walked as far as I could behind a tree so that he wouldn’t see me dry heaving my guts out all over someone’s lawn.  I wiped my face, tried to fix my hair and stand myself in an upright position as I approached the car and profusely apologized for this ridiculous endeavor.  He gave me another breath mint.  I took a tiny bite, as I hate breath mints, but didn’t want to seem rude and put the rest of it in my pocket.  He was talking and continuing to ask me if I was ok when about another mile or so later I asked him again to pull over.  I felt like an ass, but it was pull over or spew chunks all over his car.  Again he pulled to the side of the road and I just about got out of sight before my body released without warning.  I was there a little longer than the first time and I could see him nearby outside his car smoking a cigarette.  What a nightmare.  He had to of thought I was a disaster and I didn’t blame him.  Not exactly how I had planned for the night to go.  I got back into the car with another breath mint handed to me and a “You ok?”  I again, took a tiny bite of the breath mint and put the rest in my pocket.  I realized that the breath mint was making me nauseous and with every crunch down I was holding back the pulling feeling in the back of my throat.  We began to drive again and at this point I had no idea what time it was or how long we’d been driving, but I knew it was A) a long time and 2) we were not very far from the bar yet.  I managed to sit in the car for a few minutes as he slowly went around turns, being careful as to not jostle me too much.  He was kind and gentle and seemed concerned and yet I am sure he was kicking himself for ever agreeing to meet me.  I tried as best I could to keep my eyes open and my head up, but I was failing miserably at both.  Again, for the third time I asked him to pull over.  He pulled the car to the side of the road and I remember walking a long time to find a tree.  I could tell he was nervous about what I was doing because out of the corner of my eye I could see his car pull around the corner and slowly follow behind me.  Again my body heaved as the remaining Malbec shot up out of my mouth and nose.  I was mess.  A complete and utter mess.  Both physically and emotionally and now even my cute sexy yet casual outfit was soiled along with whatever reputation I thought I had.  I arrived back at the car and this time he was holding the door open and said “I thought for a second you were going to walk home” and with that he chuckled a jolly laugh and I was able to compose myself for the rest of the ride home.  We got to my driveway and with a look of horror I asked “You don’t want to come in do you?”  He smiled sheepishly but I could tell it was more like disgust and said “No, you should get in bed” We sat there for a moment and I asked how long it took us to get to my house.  He said “about an hour and fifteen minutes”  A twenty-minute drive took us one hour and fifteen minutes because I was a lush.  I thanked him for bringing me home, for putting up with the debacle that is me and apologized I don’t know how many times.  I got inside my house and heard him screech off and I didn’t blame him.  Well I certainly screwed THAT one up.  And with that I took off my clothes and onto the floor fell about forty-two tiny pieces of broken breath mints, I giggled to myself then must have passed out.

3 thoughts on “Altoids

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