Accountability

Believe

I was in a panic.  I couldn’t believe this was happening.  I didn’t do anything and that’s all that kept going through my head.  I was telling another person how in love I was and how great things were and all jolly guy saw was I was sneaking around behind his back.  I felt violated and scared and sad and I hated that he was so upset.  I was coming out of my skin, this was not going down this way.  No way.  Not on my watch.  The next day I showed back up at his house.  I approached the house and his kids came to the door.  They knew something was very wrong.  Very very wrong and I could see in their faces that they were a little scared and a little upset.  The telling sign was not the arguing or that I wasn’t there when they came over, but that the dogs were gone.  They knew it was serious once the dogs were no longer there and I felt bad for them.  I felt bad for everyone.  So inside I went and he was sitting out back by the pool having a cigarette.  I sat down and told him that we are not over.  He did not get to decide this and that I had done nothing wrong.  Apparently after much conversation and round and round; it was revealed that he was cheated on and it ended his marriage or other past relationships.  He could not bear the thought of being hurt like that again and the thought of me with someone else drove him into a rage. I get it, I really do.  It ended my marriage too and that is why that specific fear was nothing he ever had to worry about.  Not just that, but I was a big girl and if I no longer wanted to be with him, if I wanted to be with someone else I would leave him first before I ever crossed that line.  He apologized, I apologized and at the end of the night I was sitting on his lap and we were trying to get ourselves back to a good place where there was trust, there was respect and above everything else there was love.  The kids seemed to ease up the minute they could feel the air lift and things get calmer.  I changed my phone pass code that day and gave him access.  Fine.  If that’s what it took to have him feel better what did I care?  I had nothing to hide.  A few days later I was on my Facebook page looking at messages from people I was buying used things from and noticed there was something called the “other” folder.  I had no idea this even existed.  I went through the messages and there were a few spam ones and then one caught my attention.  It was a woman I didn’t know.  It went a little something like this “You don’t know me”  When a message starts like that there is nothing good that can come after that.   “You don’t know me, but I know your boyfriend…..we dated prior to you guys getting together.”  Ok, so far, not all that bad. “over the last few months he has text me repeatedly about getting together and sexually explicit comments about hooking up.  I think it is inappropriate because I am currently with someone and very disrespectful to you.”  My heart sank.  It went on.  “You may think I am making this up, but if you want to see the text messages I saved them.”  My mind was racing.  Was this from the last few days?  This message was sent to me 3 months ago and I never saw it.  Three months ago, when I was so in love, when I was planning our future, when I was unsuspecting, when I thought things were good. I couldn’t think.  This is a joke right?  This is just some crazy ex trying to make problems right? I called jolly guy and of course that is exactly what he said.  That she was crazy, that I could ask any of his friends.  And that is exactly what I did.  I called blue-eyed best friend and I called the wife of giant tall guy.  Both said the same thing: She’s nuts, jolly guy would never do that to you.  And I believed them at their word. I believed because I wanted to believe, because I had to believe. Doesn’t get any more naïve then that.

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