Change

Roots

Over the remainder of the summer jolly guy and I worked really hard on being in a better place.  I think we got there.  I don’t want to make it sound like I was some kind of victim, because that wasn’t the case.  I was not an innocent bystander as he did secret things or controlled me.  I was an active participant in my world changing and I was actually a willing one.  I had my moments and I can have a very sharp tongue when need be.  Sometimes it strikes, as I’ve mentioned, before I even realized it has.  Things drip from my tongue with ease and are sometimes effortless to cut and break people down.  It is something I work on constantly and try to be conscious of.  I am not always successful.  Then I am filled with guilt and regret at coming off so harsh when really all I wanted to do was explain my position.  We had arguments here and there and we disagreed, but overall things were really going well and we were operating in tandem.  We had, what I thought for the first time in my life something concrete, something long lasting, something that I could finally put both my feet in and say this is it!  As the summer neared the end and the long sunny days of being by the pool, fun times on the boat and endless nights of outings, my daughters stay at her place of residence was coming to an end.  She had successfully completed the program and was in an emotionally better place.  I knew as time drew near that I was not going to be able to bring her back to my house where I was living.  I couldn’t put her back into the lions den of her circle of stupidity and I began to go over options with jolly guy as to what I should do.  We would sit on his front porch for hours sometimes and talk.  That’s where we went to have alone time without the kids.  They knew for the most part that if we were out there we wanted to be alone.  And it worked as a system for quite a while.  I knew they were eavesdropping from just inside, but at least the perception that we were alone helped us.  I thought about moving towns or to a new apartment although I loved my house.  I loved my life where I put roots and where all my friends were.  It took me almost ten years to get there after my divorce from Gingham and I did it all by myself.  So the thought of leaving it upset me, but it’s what needed to be done for my daughters sake.  And then he said it.  It blew me away and scared the hell out of me. “Why don’t you move in here?”  I let it sit out in the air for a minute thinking he would retract it.  He didn’t.  He said it again. “Yea, why don’t you move in here?  We could put on an addition, we could have the kids share rooms for now, we can put your stuff in my friends trailer.  It will be great!”  I felt like throwing up.  Was this really even an option? We had never moved in with anyone.  We had two people move in with us our whole lives and when it didn’t work I was always in a position that I had my house and could ask them or make them leave.  I never in my life put myself in a situation where I would have less control.  It felt uncomfortable at first.  Then I began to get excited.  I began to feel the butterflies rumble in my stomach.  I began to feel the anticipation zap throw my veins.  Then the dread set in.  How would I tell the kids we were moving in with jolly guy?  The fear, the backlash, the horror of trying to explain this one was almost overwhelming to me and I felt sad.  I knew they would hate the idea.  But really.  How bad could it be?  We would have a new start.  A new family dynamic.  A new bright future.  Sometimes more is not better.  Sometimes it’s just……more.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s