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Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

We walked into the reception all smiles, hand in hand.  We danced and drank and chatted the night away.  We spent time with family and friends and on more than one occasion someone would say to me “I don’t know what you are doing, but Serendipity seems happy.”  It got me to thinking…..was he unhappy before me?  Was he typically an unhappy person?  I noticed things here and there that would indicate such a thought, but for real, was he a miserable bastard just waiting to be unleashed?  I didn’t think so, but being I’m a terrible judge of character I had no idea.  It did raise quite a few questions for me though.

Like; when was the last time you felt happy?  How have you been with other relationships?  Does your happiness lie in the hands of others?  Do you believe you have the power to create your own happiness?  I guess these were all things I’d find out in time as I just couldn’t sit down and start the interview process.  But I thought I was happy.  A happy person.  Although I probably on the outside wasn’t all that happy prior to now.  I didn’t think it had much to do with Serendipity, because he was not responsible for my happiness, but he was responsible for contributing to it.  So far he had done that hands down.  He had been an important part of me regaining some happiness back.  Although I did notice it start to wean off.

Like he dropped a lot more “I’m going to be busy with work and not be able to see you as much”  or “I’m going to be so tired, I don’t know when I will see you again.”  We all make choices.  That I was sure of.  What I wasn’t sure of was that Serendipity was going to choose me, choose us.  You know like in that episode of Grey’s Anatomy when Meredith decides “I lied. I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in.  I’m so in, it’s humiliating because here I am begging.  Ok here it is: Your choice, it’s simple: her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great… But Derek, I love you. In a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window! Unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”  That’s what I was planning on doing, but was he? Not choosing between me and someone else, but between me and something else.

I get it, it was about to be a busy time of year for him, but surely he would make time for me right?  Make time for the woman he loves?  Make time for our relationship to continue to grow?  You don’t just stop because you are busy or tired, you prioritize.  And then keep going.  I man he wasn’t saving babies or running the United States, he was doing work, work like we all do.  Maybe involved work, maybe number crunching focused work, but not life saving work.  How busy could busy really be?  I mean, I’m sure even the President had sex with people….just look at Bill Clinton or whoever was getting it on in the oval office all those years. C’mon…..right?

You weren’t going to fight over in Iraq, you weren’t on a world tour, you weren’t saving babies on a 26 hour shift with every third day off….you had a job and jobs get busy and work is important, but not at the risk of losing something you just found was it?  Or was it?  I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt.  He would make the right choice no matter how tired or busy he was.  He wanted to be with me, he pursued me remember?  I was certain he wasn’t about to throw away four months of endless bliss for work, no matter how important he thought it was.  That I was certain of.

Oh how we really don’t know anyone do we?

pick me

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