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Distance

The first week into the “I’m so busy” phase came as a little bit of a shock to me.  Yes, I know he had been mentioning it to me for a few days, but I didn’t really understand that things were going to go from 100% to 0% overnight.  It was like we were in a world of almost bliss and it was immediately cut off by his inability to multitask.  It was a little abrupt for me, but ok, I can roll with the punches right?  No big deal.  I had other things going on, like my job, my kids, my friends.  I didn’t need to be with him or see him every day to know what we had was real right?  I would trust that this was just for a bit and things would get back to normal shortly.

The thing is, this “I’m so busy” phase, didn’t feel like a phase.  It felt like the “I’m so happy” was a phase and this was the real him.  Our conversations began to mostly be about how tired he was, how he wasn’t sleeping well, how he can’t lose weight and should be going to the gym more.  It was an every day event of the litany of things that were not good and I was feeling supportive and encouraging because in my brain it was just for now, not forever.  Week two came and went and I hadn’t seen him now in two weeks since the wedding.  I received a call every evening, but there was definitely a lack of communication during the day.  Ok, I get it, you are busy and need to concentrate and can’t be goofing off, but you can’t send a good morning or an I’m thinking of you or an I miss you?

That didn’t seem like a lot to ask.  You had to get up from your desk at some point and eat lunch or go to the bathroom, you couldn’t send a quick two second text?  Yea, yea you could, but you weren’t and I didn’t like it.  We made plans at the end of that second week to get together and of course I wanted to go out, spend some quality time with him, come home and have sex.  Seemed like a rational, reasonable way to spend time with someone you care about right?  We did go to dinner, but now we seemed to be going out every time with his boss.  His partner.  I would sit and listen to all the gripes about work and the job and how crazy things were and although I thought their egos seemed a bit bigger than necessary, it was important to him so I was making it important to me.

At the end of that dinner we went home and again I attempted to woo him with my womanly wilds, but it was a no go.  He wasn’t interested, he was “tired” and I was a little shocked.  We haven’t seen each other in two weeks, why are you not all over me?  Whatever.  It hurt my feelings a little bit, but I was refusing to internalize it because I knew it wasn’t me.  Then I made the mistake of asking if he missed me.  So needy right?  I needed to know, I needed to hear it.  I needed to feel wanted and right now I didn’t.  So I asked.  And he gave me the sly smile and said “Yes, of course, but you have to understand….my work is important.”  what did that mean?  You miss me, but you love work more?  I mean, good for you that you love you job, I loved my job too, but that had nothing to do with real life.  With human connection.  With planning our next adventure or living life.  Work was a big part of his life, I got that, but again he wasn’t creating a cure for cancer, he was making sure you didn’t owe money at the end of the year.

Important yes, but not equally important.  I guess I was realizing that a true connection with another human being was becoming high on my list.  The thought that he didn’t think so, was beginning to really get under my skin.  But, it had only been two weeks of this, so I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Of course he loved me, he said so right?  Of course he missed me, things were just crazy busy for him right?  I believe that distance in some instances makes the heart grow fonder, but I also believe in some instances it can slowly tear you apart…I wasn’t exactly sure which instance this was just yet, but would soon find out.

road

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