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Alone vs. Lonely

So now what?  I’m feeling good, I’m looking better, my weight is up, my spirits are up.  What was my next move?  I wasn’t ready to date yet although I was beginning to notice men again, but not in the same way.  You know when someone asks you out and you get all giddy and hyper feeling and almost anxious?  I used to get that way no matter who it was that asked me out.  Actually I usually made it quite clear that I wanted to be asked out, then felt that way once they did.  But, I didn’t have any of that now.  I didn’t have anxiety running through my veins as I once did.  I wasn’t all hyper sensitive about being alone or by myself.  I’m not talking loneliness, I’m talking about being alone.  Completely different.  What I was realizing was that being alone didn’t have to mean I was lonely.  I was thoroughly enjoying my own company, my children, my friends.  I found myself realizing that I was now never two things; Bored or Lonely.  Two things I used to feel on a daily basis.  Mostly I felt lonely in a relationship, which is really the absolute worst. How horrible to be surrounded by people or be in a relationship with someone you think you love and realize how lonely you really are.

I was ecstatic to notice that I didn’t have to worry about any of that anymore. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still love to be center of attention, I love to be around people, but no longer was I looking for quantity, I wanted quality.  I wanted connections to people who were real, that were meaningful, that were right.  Along the way, there were some people who weren’t meant to stay in my life.  And along the way, I picked up a few new ones that I feel will be with me forever.  And that’s a really long time.  Trust me, forever can sometimes feel like it is happening in one second and taking an eternity.  Forever is long.  The number one person I wanted to spend forever with, that I could spend forever with, was me.  So Jesus I had to make sure that I was in the best relationship with myself that was humanly possible.  I did not want to be the empty shell person anymore.  I didn’t want to be anxious or pathetic one more day.

I knew, each day I was getting better.  I’ve said that before and you’re probably getting sick of hearing it, but it’s the God’s honest truth.  Every day.  Imagine your life becoming exactly what you want it to be.  To never feel like you need an escape from your life, your family, yourself?  How awesome would that be?  That’s what I was creating for myself.  I was taking long showers, I was sitting on the deck watching the leaves rustle in the wind, I was watching the ripple on the lake as the sun danced on it in the early evenings.  I was giggling out loud and to myself.  I was feeling the freedom of making my choice.  A choice that took me over forty years in the making.  A choice that after heartache and heartbreak and catastrophic events led me to one place.  Do or die.  And I was way too young to die, so I would do.  I would do everything and anything.

I would do me.  I would do good deeds for other’s.  I would do nice things for people I didn’t know, I would do unto others as I’d have them do unto me.  I’d do it all.  And I could you know.  Know why?  Cause I believed I could.  Cause having that power harnessed and knowing that you can unleash it at any given point in time to make your and someone else’s life better?  That is a blessing.  Tat is power.  I was finally using my powers for good and not evil.  I was ready to give.  Give to myself, my friends, my family and quite possibly a man.  Let’s not get head of ourselves though.  I was ready for a lot and maybe even ready to get dressed up and laugh and enjoy a night out, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship and whoever I may end up going out with needed to know that right off the bat.  They needed to know that If they were looking for their next girlfriend or wife, that I, in fact was not it.  It was empowering to be able to admit that.  Now….all I had to do…..was find someone to ask me out.

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