A few days into my morbid emotional demise I received an email from Dimples. It was explaining that he needed to talk to me and wanted me to know why he did what he did. I wasn’t sure I could handle anymore. I wasn’t sure that my already fractured heart was in any position to hear why he no longer loved me. However, curiosity got the best of me and after some internal debate I agreed.
We met the next night at a local restaurant thinking I would be able to keep my composure being we were in pubic. When I arrived my whole body was shaking. I was having one of those moments where every muscle and nerve in my body was on high alert and telling me DANGER, DANGER, you’re going to get yourself mauled STAY BACK. But being I always think I know better than my gut, I entered the restaurant. I saw him sitting at the end of the bar in the corner and he looked a bit nervous as well.
I sat down and said hello. He said Hi and then just stared at me uncomfortably. Not adoringly, not with heartfelt remorse, but with sheer fear in his eyes. I tried to breathe slow and deep and not look as nervous as I felt. It’s not every day you walk into someplace ready to face your fear and hear the words u know will take the last bits of your soul and crumble them. But there I was. We sat there looking at each other for a bit and I finally said I was here to listen so start talking. We went round and round and all he kept saying was “I can’t do this anymore” I wasn’t really getting any answers and I could feel my insides being turned to mush.
We talked about, in my opinion, nothing for quite a while and as tears ran down my face and I felt like I was begging for him to love me, I decided it was time to leave. He walked me out and I was basically inconsolable. He walked me to my car even though I asked, begged him not to. I told him to just walk away from me and drive off and not look back. He refused. He stood by my car and tried to say goodbye. I was heaving sobs and there was snot dripping down my face and it wasn’t a pretty cry, but one that wrenched my soul and morphed my face into cringes that were almost painful. I kissed him. He kissed me back. I stood in that parking lot and was paralyzed to leave. I knew it was goodbye and goodbye for real. I knew that all the hopes and dreams and plans and memories would be taken with him when he drove away, but he wouldn’t leave before me. I was forced to get in my car, crying in anguish and drive away.
I drove away and cried the whole way home. I cried so much my eyes hurt, my body ached and my insides were in knots. I cried for every lost love I’d ever had, every death of someone I cared about, for my children, for my parents, for myself, for the pain and suffering I’d endured in my life and for the devastating reality that love would yet again, escape me. I cried for Dimples and what he must be thinking to leave what we had and not realize how real and true it really was. I cried for his inability to believe, just believe, in himself, in love, in me and to weather life’s storms with me. To be the man who walked beside me no matter what, in good times and in bad, to put his past and fears and nerves aside and look into my eyes and see real, true, unwavering, honest, loyal, unconditional love. I cried tears from the depths of my soul, that came from the tips of my toes and ran up through my veins like hot lava waiting to explode. I cried for the fact that no matter what I did in life it would never be enough for someone to stay. To just stay. And love me. For who I was, who I used to be and who I was becoming. That this world had given me so many chances to feel, experience and lose love that I cried all night long. Until the tears ran dry. Until my body hurt so much that I lay perfectly still. Staring at the ceiling. Wondering….would I ever feel ok again?